Dear Fantasy Speed Skating Managers,
It’s no secret that your Stepdad did NOT do well last year. At 34
th
overall, I’m pretty sure that it’s my worst performance ever. A weaker manager
would blame my neural network, my data, or the 16 beers I drink every night. Dad,
Your Biological Father, Stepson, Mom, and anyone else with any knowledge about Fantasy
Speed Skating would blame the fact that I don’t know anything about speed
skating.
Unfortunately, building a better model or learning things
about speed skating requires time and effort. I’m not looking to build a better
model, use better data, or pay attention to competition results. I’m looking
for an easy win, silver bullet solution to my problems. And I found it on the
advice of one manager.
Anyone who knows Emil should be familiar with his (and
Eric’s) terrible performance in their first season of Fantasy Speed Skating.
This is despite the fact that Emil allegedly has a degree in math and is good
with computers. In my desperation, I asked Emil how he turned his Fantasy Speed
Skating career around. He claims everything improved after he went to Thialf to
watch Dutch trials.
Inspired by Emil’s story, I rearranged
my life to temporarily live in a run-down, post-industrial city in Northern
Germany and thus have a reasonable excuse to go watch Dutch trials. I also had
a chance to ask some experts (i.e., old Dutch men) about their predictions for
the coming season. This year, I will be choosing skaters 100% based on this
information. I won’t share all of my secrets, but here’s some of what I’ve learned:
Roest: Washed
Both the old Dutch men and
Roest’s race results agree here. Roest skated a 6:19.40 in the 5,000 m and
finished 11
th
, behind no-names like Tjerk de Boer, Stijn van de
Bunt, and Jorrit Bergsma. His pair, some kid named Wisse Slenderman, absolutely
blew him out of the water. With a 10
th
place finish in the 1,500 m,
we can collectively give up on him. The crowd still loved him, but I think it’s
safe to say that Roest is not recovering from his brain removal surgery any
time soon.
Jenning: Not washed
Despite a false start in his
first 500 m, Jenning skated an incredible 33.98 in his second 500 m race. This
was in Heerenveen, which is about 15 cm above sea level on a good day. This is
a clear signal that everyone should draft Jenning. Other well-known Dutch
sprinters like Dai Dai N’tab and Kai Verbij appear to be almost as washed as
Roest.
Marijke Groenewoud: Jobert’s
top pick
I was lucky to be joined by a
good friend and fellow manager in Thialf. To protect their anonymity, I’ll call
them “Jobert M. Tinter”. Jobert confidently stated that he always tries to pick
whoever wins the women’s 1,500 m at Dutch trials. With a tight lap profile
between 28.2 and 29.1, Marijke Groenewoud won the 1,500 m by over a second, so
she will probably be first on Rob’s list. (Fun fact: despite her many
successes, Miho Takagi has never won the 1,500 m at Dutch trials).
Hein Otterspeer: Potential
sleeper pick?
During one of the breaks
between races on Saturday, they gave some kind of award to Hein Otterspeer for
being fast. I don’t speak Dutch, so I’m a little fuzzy on the specifics, but
they seemed to be recognizing him for being really good at speed skating. Although
he wasn’t racing at this weekend’s competition, this indicates that Hein is likely
to have a strong season. Savvy managers will likely be vying to pick this up-and-coming
skater in the early rounds of the draft.
Femke Kok: More than just a
team name?
The one thing that the old
Dutch guys agreed on across the board was that Femke is going to have a good
year. They mentioned her massive 1,500 m PB from earlier this year. With a
double win in the women’s 500 m and 1
st
place in the 1,000 m, she’s
clearly in good form.
Anna Boersma: The next Tim
Prins
One classic draft night
strategy is to pick up random Dutch skaters who threw down at trials. This is
commonly known as the “Who the hell is Tim Prins?” strategy. With top three
performances in both 500 m races and the 1,000 m, Anna Boersma could be this
year’s Tim Prins.
Bente Kerkhoff: Also
potentially the next Tim Prins
Kirchhoff’s loop rule states
that the directed sum of the voltages around any closed loop is zero.
Kerkhoff’s loop rule is to skate really fast in the 3,000 m. Although Merel Conijn
snaked her for first in the 3k (skating an impressively very flat race),
Kerkhoff is another potential pick for managers using the “Who the hell is Tim
Prins?” strategy.
Tim Prins: Actually Tim
Prins
As if in answer to the question
of “Who the hell is Tim Prins?”, Tim Prins skated a 1:43.53 in the 1,500 m.
Apparently, Tim Prins is somebody fast. Kjeld still snaked him by a couple
hundredths in the last pair, but at least Prins doesn’t have any questionable
tattoos (that we know of).
Angel Daleman: Best dressed
Her skates match her suit.
Worth drafting based on fashion alone.
Chris Huizinga: Ol’ reliable
Chris Huizinga remains a
prudent first round pick. Haters will point to his 4
th
place finish
in the 10,000m. Jess, don’t let the haters get you down.
Davide Ghiotto: Fast
Like Miho and Otterspeer, Ghiotto
wasn’t racing at Dutch trials this year. However, the old Dutch men that I
talked to seemed to agree he was the likely winner for the 5,000 m and 10,000 m
at this year’s Olympics.
Conclusion
Will my experience at Dutch
trials lead your Stepdad to Fantasy Speed Skating victory, or am I once again
destined to be an Emin-chaser? Sound off in the comments.
Anyways, I wish you all well
for the upcoming Fantasy Speed Skating Season. Good luck putting together your
skater lists. No matter where you live, what time zone you’re in, or how you
got dragged into this draft, we’re all united by the pursuit of glory and our
dislike for dad.
Ik houd van jou,
Stepdad