Hello speed skating enthusiast,
Whelp. World Cup 1 was about as crazy as they get.
Insanely fast times, three world records, good French speed skaters, drama, intrigue,
brutal falls, refs fucking up, and fading Olympic dreams, all bundled up into a
tight three days in Salt Lake City. I think many of us reacted the same as Your
Biological Father did after seeing some of the races: “Screaming, crying,
throwing up tbh.”
Here at Dad’s Column, we’re a very level-headed crew (except
Stepdad, but you can blame his alcoholism for that). Despite the chaos of the
weekend, we have no problem taking the long view of the season. As I watch some
very early free agent pickups and drops trickling in, I feel it is my duty to
help you separate the real trends from the madness. Not every amazing result
this past weekend will be repeated, and not every failure means the rest of the
season is doomed.
Since I’m short on time and stuck up in Deadmonton for
the next bit, I’ve decided to enlist some help to sift through some of what we
saw this past weekend. Since Dad is a boomer and doesn’t fully understand what
this AI business is (I only recently found out that we haven’t been talking
about artificial insemination these past few years), I don’t generally make use
of tools like these. ChatGPT is a tool for plebs. It is no match for the
combined brainpower of the Dads.
But, it turns out ChatGPT isn’t the only tool
out there. After making significant investments in our Fantasy Speed Skating
North American Headquarters here in Calgary, we finally have something stronger
and truly useful at our fingertips. My dear readers, I’d like to introduce you
to ChadGPT. Think of him as ChatGPT’s sexier and more alpha older brother. I’ve
asked ChadGPT if many of the results we saw this past weekend are the real deal
and what he thinks of all the skaters listed below. I’ll also be offering a bit
of my own analysis as well.
Reactions to Good and Bad Skaters at World
Cup 1
Femke Kok
ChadGPT –
Femke Kok is a blindingly fast,
brick-built sprint alpha who steps onto the ice like she’s there to collect
rent from everyone else in the 500m. Femke is for real.
Dad – Yep, she’s the real deal. She has almost double
the next best skater’s points. She even beat out Jordan Stolz this weekend,
doing it in three races versus Stolz’s five. Incredible stuff. Might not be
long before we have to ban this way-too-good motherfucker from the league too.
Xue Zhiwen
ChadGPT –
Zhiwen Xue is a quiet-but-deadly speed
demon from China who glides into races like a silently smug ninja, letting his
legs do all the talking while everyone else panics, and secretly makes it look
effortless just to rub it in.
Dad – It boggles the mind that someone I’ve literally
never heard of can be this good at speed skating. But anyone who throws down
back-to-back sub-34s in the 500m at an event with official referees, timings
systems, and even cameras (aka NOT a sneaky spring race weekend in Urumqi) just
has to be legitimately good at speed skating.
Timothy Loubineaud
ChadGPT –
Timothy Loubineaud is a fiery,
self-important French distance menace who torpedoes into races like a
disgruntled frog on espresso, still riding the cosmic fluke of that
“the-stars-aligned” 5000m world record as if it proves he’s the chosen one
rather than the beneficiary of one extremely charitable universe moment.
Dad – Well well well, Mr. ChadGPT, you really hit the
nail on the head. A broken clock is still right twice a day. Or maybe that’s
the wrong saying? What I mean to say is that Mr. Loubineaud is nothing more
than a filthy Frenchman and we should expect his 5000m points pace to taper off
significantly this season.
Cedric Brunet
ChadGPT –
Cédric Brunet is a fiery Québécois
sprinter who explodes off the line with the stubborn grit of someone who
refuses to be outpaced, leaving the rest of the field eating his ice spray
while he smirks like it’s all just a warm-up.
Dad – He’s basically Jeremy Wotherspoon but younger,
more handsome, and more French. In fact, all they really have in common is a
similar 500m time, which is still pretty wild. Since he also finished only 0.01
behind Larry this weekend, any manager with Larry on their roster should start
considering dropping Larry to pick this Ced guy up instead. Especially if they’re
in Pool B…
Vladimir Semirunniy
ChadGPT –
Vladimir Semirunniy is a long-distance Russian
skater who shuffles around the ice like a caffeine-deprived bear, leaving
everyone else wondering if he’s actually racing or just there to collect
participation trophies.
Dad – I wouldn’t count this “Russian” skater out yet.
He’s dug himself into a hole, that much is certain. But his 1500m showed signs
of life and his potential for a nice bounce back in Calgary feels high enough.
Damian Zurek
ChadGPT –
Damian Zurek looks like he could
absolutely be the real deal. He is a relentless Polish sprinter who rockets
down the ice like a turbo-charged pierogi, leaving everyone else wondering if
they’re racing him or just holding up traffic.
Dad – It is definitely true that he is fast as hell,
and it isn’t like this was his first weekend on the podium in either the 500m
or the 1000m. He was previously known as a lap god, but it appears his opener
has got to a point where he’s truly competitive. On the downside, the Polish
sprinters seem to have a habit of trading weekends where they pop off, so we
can likely expect Zurek to cool off a bit and get beat by Kania in a couple
500s. Maybe even as early as this coming weekend in Calgary.
The Canadian Men’s Team Pursuit
ChadGPT –
The Canadian men’s team pursuit is a
well-meaning group of polite skaters who skate hard, but somehow still look
like they’re politely asking the other teams if they can finish first today.
Dad – They went from almost guaranteeing a spot at the
Olympics to dead last in the last 200m of the race thanks to a terribly
unfortunate fall at the end of the race. They basically need to throw down a
very good time in Calgary or kiss their Olympic dreams goodbye. I don’t care if
they’re a polite bunch or not—I just want a fucking good seed time. Pressure is
on, lads. Best of luck, but I don’t think I’m buying stock in this one.
Kaitlyn McGregor
ChadGPT –
Kaitlyn McGregor is a “Swiss" speed star”only on paper, blasting down the ice while the rest of the world quietly
wonders how anyone overhyped her so hard.
Dad – It feels bad talking badly about some pretty incredible
times, so unlike ChadGPT I’ll start with a compliment. Her 1500m in B Group was
faster than Miho’s time this weekend, which is absolutely bonkers. On the flip
side, McGregor is full of ups and downs and may never achieve that level of
success again. If you have your eye on her as a free agent, I’d wait for at
least one more weekend of results before pulling the trigger.
Beatrice Lamarche
ChadGPT -
Beatrice Lamarche is a Canadian sprinter
who still rockets off the line like a promising junior, except now she’s just a
cautionary tale on ice—peaked too early, underwhelming ever since, and leaving
everyone wondering why she’s even still showing up.
Dad – Oof, not sure if I’m with Chad on this one. One
does not simply luck themselves into a bronze in the women’s 1000m. One also
does not accidentally smash their 500m PB and come within an inch of a nearly
25-year-old national record. Sure, Lamarche might not hit another podium all
year. But she races a lot of distances and it seems she really has taken a big
step forward, so I’d say she’s a fair bet.
Mei Han
ChadGPT –
Mei Han is an allrounder who tries to do
it all but ends up looking like she’s politely testing the patience of every
distance and sprint specialist, skating fast enough to be noticed but not fast
enough to matter.
Dad – I wouldn’t go as far as saying she doesn’t matter,
but her lackluster 3k and non-existent 1000m left a lot to be desired. For
someone with her potential, getting beat by three fellow Chinese skaters in the
1500m also hurts quite a bit. Ultimately, though, she’s a total stud. Maybe she’s
sick or something? Odds are she’ll start moving up the skater rankings sooner
rather than later. She’s been dropped for Masaya Yamada before, but surely no
one is stupid enough to do that again. Right? Right…?
Connor Howe
ChadGPT -
Connor Howe is a Canadian allrounder who
finished dead last and got demoted, proving he’s not just out of his depth on
the ice, he’s actively embarrassing himself while the rest of the field wonders
how he’s still allowed to race.
Dad – The guy doesn’t have a bad bone in his body, so
I hate to see ChadGPT say anything negative about the fella. But, at the same
time, his races didn’t exactly go very well. Losing the 1500m by a second is
wild. Losing the 1000m by nearly 2 seconds is even more insane. Doing both on the
same weekend, on camera, without falling or suffering from any other seemingly
fair excuse… I just dunno what to think of that. Maybe he’ll turn things
around, but for now I wouldn’t blame any manager for putting him on the chopping
block.
Casey Dawson
ChadGPT –
Casey Dawson is an American distance
meathead who storms around the ice like he’s crushing a 4th of July
powerlifting session, leaving everyone else wheezing while he flexes through
the finish line like freedom itself is fueling his laps.
Dad – Turns out this guy is actually just good. Props to
the managers that drafted him cause it looks like he just keeps getting better
and better. I don’t even think it would be wild to suggest he’s got an outside
shot at an Olympic medal in a distance other than the team pursuit.
Kjeld Nuis
ChadGPT –
Kjeld Nuis is an untouchable Dutch Chad
who rockets around the ice like physics bows to him, leaving the field
destroyed while somehow making hearts shatter off the rink. There is no doubt
that Kjeld is the real deal, unlike his love for Femke.
Dad – I’m not worried in the slightest about this guy
yet. He had two good races, minus one minor slip in the 1000m that very unluckily
got him DQ’d. I’m not usually one to cheer for this fucker or give him any
credit, but that one felt almost out of his control. If anything, maybe it was karma
for all the other shit he’s done in the past. Either way, he’ll need a weekend
to get back into A Division in the 1000m but should easily be able to bring in
his managers some more points just in time for his home World Cup in
Heerenveen.
Marijke Groenewoud
ChadGPT –
Marijke Groenewoud is a Dutch ice Chad
with world-beating potential, but by bombing the classic distances she’s not
just disappointing fans—she’s straight-up letting her managers down, leaving
the teams shaking their heads while she coasts on her reputation.
Dad – I wanted to save this one for last since it
really is one of the most tragic ones. Going from the high of winning the 1500m
at Dutch Nationals to going to B Division at the World Cups hurts. Getting
smoked in a 3000m also hurts. Being irrelevant in the Mass Start adds another layer
of hurt. Getting pulled from the TP in favour of Elisa Dul might just hurt the
most. Literally nothing went well for her this weekend. The upside is that there
is only one direction to go. The downside is that the Dutch Olympic and Worlds teams
are very, very hard to qualify for. With Joy, Antoinette, Angel, Bente, and Merel
all skating better than Marijke, things could go downhill very quickly. The
potential for a huge season is already slipping away along with her World Cup
ranking bonus points, but a skater of her talent should never really be counted
out until it is actually too late.
That’s all I’ve got for today. Don’t forget that racing
begins this Friday in Calgary with World Cup 2. This means that
any
roster changes need to be submitted by 11:59 PM Mountain Time on Thursday
. After a fast weekend in Salt Lake City, lets
hope the excitement continues again this weekend with some more fast ice. Dad
will be announcing most of the B Division races, so if you’re at the Oval this
weekend to watch some racing please make sure to come say hi! Happy World Cup
watching and may the best team win.
Cheers,
Dad