Greetings Fantasy Speed Skating Managers,
As you probably already know,
FantasySpeedSkating.com
balled out and sent Dad, Stepdad, Your Biological Father, Uncle Jobert, and two other managers to the 2026 Olympics to do some on-the-ground reporting at the games. By “balled out,” I mean that the trip was fully self-funded and that none of us will ever financially recover from the damage that the IOC has done to us.
I assume that most of you are eagerly awaiting Dad’s full recap of the rest of the Olympic races and their effects on the league. Unfortunately, Dad is hard at work at his “real” job as a leftist partisan hack, meaning it will probably be a hot minute before he writes another column. Fortunately, your Stepdad had the time to crank out this considerably worse column. If you’re looking for a detailed and insightful breakdown of Olympic races, I suggest that you stop reading. If the post-Olympic blues are hitting you hard and you’re desperate for fantasy speed skating content of any quality, you’re in the right place.
As countless others have observed, the Olympics is about far more than sports. For one biathlete, it was about trying to win back the woman of his dreams. For the IOC, it’s about charging spectators 7 euros for a watered down Corona. For ski mountaineering athletes, it’s about proving that their discipline isn’t the dumbest thing since modern pentathlon (it is). But for your Stepdad, in his unending quest for knowledge, the Olympics is about what we learned along the way.
On our last night in Milan, I asked my fellow managers what they learned during the games. Except Dad. And Jordan. I’m not sure why- maybe they just weren’t in the room at the time. Anyways, here’s a collection of our learnings.
Olympic Lesson #1: Dad is a Baller
When asked what he learned, Uncle Jobert first said “Yeah, lots of stuff,” which isn’t exactly a useful insight. After pressing him for more (or literally any) details, he shared this: "I thought that the races were exciting and that all sorts of crazy stuff was happening. And then I realized that Dad had predicted everything and all the results were basically preordained."
Uncle Jobert is obviously obsessed with Dad for reasons that are beyond me. Nevertheless, Dad did get a lot of predictions right and he’s got a positive post-Olympic Zweller balance to prove it. Dad predicted that Lolo would have a good Olympics, which she did. He also predicted that Ning would do well in the 1,000 m, which he did. He predicted that Viktor Hald Thorup was going to do poorly in the 10,000 m, which he did. I mean everyone else predicted that one, but it’s still another example. Speaking of Hald Thorup…
Olympic Lesson #2: Whale Lungs Win Big
Your Biological Father’s main takeaway from the games was this: "I personally learned that whale lungs are the ticket to Olympic podium positions.” This is apparently a reference to Hald Thorup, although I don’t fully understand the details even after the inside joke was explained to me. If you also don’t get why Hald Thorup has whale lungs, go ask your Biological Father about it. At any rate, Hald Thorup snagged a silver in the mass start. That’s right, Viktor Hald Thorup is now an Olympic silver medallist. This was after an ugly DNF in the 10k, although you have to give him some credit for being a reserve skater and not planning to race the event.
Did Jorrit do almost all of the work? Yes. Did Stijn van de Bunt obviously and relentlessly do everything he could to slow the pack down? Also yes. Did anyone help Bart Swings close the gap to catch the break? No way. (The men’s mass start is going to become completely unwatchable when Swings retires, because no one else seems to have the slightest intention of closing a gap once there’s a break.)
Nevertheless, Stepdad gives credit where credit is due, and Hald Thorup was smart enough to hang behind Jorrit at the start of the race and go with him when he broke, so there’s that. Congrats to this Danish skater and his associated sperm whale lungs on his unlikely silver medal. Dad did not predict this one.
Olympic Lesson #3: Dad can’t Predict Everything
My main takeaway from the Olympics was that Dad isn’t as hot as he thinks he is. Dad may have nailed a lot of predictions, but he was by no means perfect. For one thing, Riccardo Lorello won bronze in the 5,000 m, narrowly beating out his teammate Davide Ghiotto. If Dad was so smart, he would’ve picked Lorello for his team. In fairness, Lorello is a free agent in all four pools, so Dad wasn’t the only one who missed the boat.
Another thing that Dad did not correctly predict was the crossover incident between Joep Wennermars and Lian Zimen in the men’s 1000 m. If Dad was truly omniscient, he would’ve seen this conspiracy from a mile away. For those of you not tuned into the truth, Ziwen, who is a clown, intentionally interfered with Joep’s race to keep his teammate Ning Zhongyan on the podium.
Although it has nothing to do with our fantasy league, Dad also missed a big prediction in the short track racing; Dad didn’t predict that Will Dandjinou would get shut out of the individual medals. He also didn’t predict Britney Bowe’s engagement to Hillary Knight, the captain of the American hockey team. Let these serve as a reminder that despite his ego, Dad is all-knowing. For those of you getting ready to make Polymarket bets on the war in Iran based on Dad’s recommendations, it might bode well to remember that Dad isn’t the Oracle of Delphi.
Olympic Lesson #4: San Marino has (allegedly) been a republic since 301
Now I know that some of you might be thinking that this lesson has nothing to do with Fantasy Speed Skating or the Olympics. And you’re right!
For those of you who haven’t heard of it, San Marino is the world’s third-smallest country. That is everything that Dad and I knew about it before spending a couple of nights there between some of the Olympic racing. And let me tell you, San Marino is cool. It allegedly gained independence from the Roman Empire in 301 AD and has (more or less) stayed an independent republic since then. Let’s just consider this for a minute. For reference, there were an estimated one million sod huts in the North American prairies in the early 1900s. Wild.
(Caption): (Left) a sod house in Saskatchewan, circa 1900. (Right) Rocca tower, San Marino, constructed in the 11th century.
San Marino’s soccer team has won a total of three games, all against Liechtenstein. A pass to all of their public museums and historic sites only costs 8 euros. The country is in last place on the world Forest Integrity Index ranking. And their flag has been to the moon. What’s not to love?
Olympic Lesson #5: An Empty Mind is Key
When asked what she learned during the Olympics, Taylor said: "I'm not really thinking of anything right now.” This is actually the real wisdom.
Based on his haircut, Jorrit Bergsma hasn’t thought about anything for the past 15 years. And he’s still skating 12:40’s, so something must be working for him. Equally zen was our boy Larry Dubreuil who showed incredible composure by skating a bronze medal winning race in Olympic record time after a false start in the 500 m. Way to go, Larry. Stepdad is proud of you.
Maintaining a blank mind was also sometimes key as an Olympic spectator. For example, I’m pretty sure I completely dissociated from reality while listening to the American national anthem during the women’s hockey medal ceremony. All of the managers were equally on another planet after a series of nasty shuttle delays after attending the biathlon mass start. The chaos of the Olympics is a good reminder that No Knowledge November is not just a month, but an aspirational state of being.
The More You Know
Well folks, I hope that you enjoyed the Olympics half as much as I did. I’ll see you in 2030 in France, because Dad has promised that the league will actually fund a trip next time.
Sound off in the comments with your Olympic lessons.
Yours in fun speed skating,
Stepdad