Hello speed skating enthusiasts,
It’s been one hell of a busy month and I’ve definitely
neglected my duties as the main staff writer here at Dad’s Column. There’s
definitely something true about that old saying, “fantasy speed skating is life
until life gets in the way.” But I’m back, for better or worse, and fully
committed to writing a column before January expires.
Today will be another pretty quick look across the
world of speed skating on a story-by-story basis. I promise to follow this one
up with an update to the Free Agent and Injury Trackers, as well as with an
update to Dad’s Lads. As I write this, I’m thinking I’ll even split this one up
into multiple posts, so I guess Part 2 will be coming soon too. So, strap in,
cause there’s lots of content coming. Better late than never, right?
First Man Under 6 –
It
would feel like a missed opportunity if I didn’t start today’s column talking
about the insane world record we saw in Inzell last weekend at World Cup 5.
Sander Eitrem is officially the first man under 6 minutes, a barrier that the
men’s field has long been hunting down. Anyone who broke 6 minutes would
have no doubt deserved it in the literal sense, though there is probably no more
deserving skater than Eitrem to be the first man to break this barrier. Eitrem
is the only skater to medal in every 5000m World Cup race this season. He’s
coming off a season where he was the top ranked long-distance skater. He’s the
defending 5000m world champion. With Patrick Roest still out with a brain
infection, it felt like the torch was being passed to Eitrem. After this race,
it feels like this transfer of power is finally complete.
Ghiotto was noticeably frustrated after the race. He clearly wanted to be the first man to break the all-important 6 minute barrier, but he hasn't beat Sander in a World Cup 5000m race all season and so I feel like he should focus more on beating the competition than whining about how this achievement was his for the taking. Joey Mantia was also very angry when he found out that everyone was congratulating Eitrem for being the first man under 6. Joey's argument was that he was the first man under 5, which is even more impressive. We quickly let Joey know that we were talking about minutes, not feet.
Undefeated Beune Will Miss Olympic 1500m –
Joy
Beune won all four World Cup 1500m races that she competed in, including the
last one at World Cup 5 just last weekend. Despite her perfect international
track record, she placed 4
th
at Olympic Trials and will not be
competing in the 1500m at the Olympics. She had a pretty big slip and wobble in
the first corner after the opener that likely cost her the few tenths of a
second that she ultimately lost by.
Now, the Dutch trio of Antoinette Rijpme-de Jong,
Femke Kok, and Marijke Groenewoud is extremely dangerous and likely won’t be
held off the podium entirely. But Beune was without a doubt their best bet at
an Olympic Gold medal in this event. If the Dutch girls fail to win gold, I
think the Dutch federation is going to have a good hard look at creating some
sort of prequalification process for their Olympic team (they currently prequalify
no one). If the Dutch girls don’t podium at all, I think this is all but guaranteed.
To Skate World Cups, Or Not To Skate World
Cups –
Thanks to Merel Conijn, that is the question, though I
really don’t think it should be. I can guarantee people are already looking at
what Merel has done and are thinking of copying her in future seasons. If Merel
medals in an individual event at the Olympics, I worry her strategy of barely
racing all year will set a dangerous precedent. If all Joy Beune wants is an
Olympic medal, why bother with those annoying World Cups when you can swoop in
at the end of the year fully tapered and achieve your dreams? It's clear that crushing a bunch of World Cup 1500m races didn't help her get a chance at becoming the 1500m Olympic Champion.
This potential trend will have two very obvious but major downsides.
For starters, the World Cup circuit could be significantly watered down.
Second, this could be super frustrating for skaters who show up at World Cups
and manage to earn Olympic or World Championship quota only to get beat at a
domestic trial competition by more experienced or talented skaters who stayed
home rather than qualifying their own quota. Just to paint a picture, I’m
thinking about a Sarah Warren going out and qualifying one 500m quota for the USA
only to have Erin Jackson scoop it up, or Laura Hall qualifying Canada’s sole
5000m quota at Worlds only to have Isabelle Weidemann snag it from her at the
end of the season. I’m not saying I think those two specific skaters would do
this, but using them as examples of what this type of situation might look like
down the road.
We’re Laughing But He Can’t Hear Us –
Michael
Hubbs cruised by the entire pack in the opening lap of the US Trials Men’s Mass
Start event. As he passes everyone, Stolz literally laughs at him and doesn’t
pick up the pace to catch him. It made for a pretty hilarious moment on the stream and I suggest you go take a look. Obviously, Stolz ultimately got the win. And
Hubbs? He finished last with a DQ. Maybe he forgot that passing the pack in the
first lap isn’t allowed, or maybe all he wanted was a nice action shot of him
skating to the front of the pack at Olympic Trials and “mixing things up in the
pack”. Only Mr. Hubbs knows, and none of us care enough about this to ask him.
Falling into the Olympics –
Since
I’ve brought up Stolz, I thought I’d just drop this next one here too despite
it also being a bit older just in case people hadn’t seen it yet. At the USA
Olympic Trials, Jordan Stolz fell in the 1000m during the opener and still
finished with a 1.07 and a top three placing. The list of bonkers things this
kid has done just keeps growing and growing.
And the Poor Sport of the Month Award Goes
to… –
In a month full of Olympic Trial events, European
Championships, and World Cup 5, there was a surprising amount of racing that went
on. Lots of successes and celebrations, but also lots of failures and
crashouts. This month’s
Poor Sport of the Month
award goes to Ivanie
Blondin for not standing on the podium with Laura Hall and Valerie Maltais when
they beat her in the 3000m at Canada’s Olympic Skate Off. This is petty as hell
and totally disrespects the other skaters. It also meant the resulting podium
pictures remind people like me who grew up in Manitoba of those local
competitions where someone stood alone on the top of the podium because they were the
only skater in their age category.
When you’re 12 years old in Manitoba, this is
unavoidable. When you’re at Olympic Trials, the rest of the podium may not like
standing on the podium after getting beat but you’d have to be a pretty poor
sport to actually not show up. Did a teary-eyed Will Dutton enjoy standing on
the second step of podium at the 2018 Olympic Trials knowing he didn’t make the
team? Did Tyson Langelaar enjoy standing on two podiums at this year’s Skate
Off knowing that he missed multiple Olympic spots by a fraction of a second? The
answer is obviously no, but they are better people for it.
A Message from Anonymous –
I
was talking to a source (who shall not be named) back in the fall and they gave
me the following quote, but I didn’t really know what to do with it at the time.
I’m finally going through some old notes and I think I’m just going to drop it
here and move on: Anonymous – “Mackenzie Browne is the softest skater that I’ve
ever met.”
Trickle Down Fantasy Speed Skating Probably
Isn’t Helping Your Team –
With Max and Christian’s teams both
finishing in the top three in World Cup Classification points, the gap between
our top two teams and the so-called middle class of the league is growing
faster than the gap between the 1% and the middle class in Canada since trickle
down economics became “popular” in the 1980s.
A Petition to Abolish Chinese Juniors –
Another
source has reached out to Dad’s Column to complain about how common it is for
Chinese to lie about their age on their passport. This has troubling
consequences for “younger” skaters, some of whom might be absolutely smoking
junior world records but could actually be a few years older. Since there’s no
easy way to verify all of their ages, the simplest way to address the problem
is to just abolish the junior age category for Chinese skaters. I don’t care of
they say they’re 5, 15, or 25 years old—let them compete as a senior and all
our troubles are solved.
The World’s Most Well-Rounded Skater –
This question feels pretty settled on the
men’s side with Jordan Stolz a threat in pretty much any distance he competes in, but for the women it is a bit more contested. The easiest answer is
probably Miho Takagi, or possibly Joy Beune, but there might be a third option
with a shockingly strong argument.
After a couple of iffy seasons, Nadezhda Morozova is
finally skating to her potential again. She has a silver medal in the 1500m where she finished just
0.03 back from Takagi who got gold, and her
best finish in the 1000m is
7
th
. She’s finished in the top five in three of her
four 3000m races, including a 4
th
place finish this past weekend, just a quarter second off the podium. She helped get a Kazakh team pursuit squad
that has struggled for years into A Div with a B Div win and then proceeded to
hit their first top 6 finish in God knows how long (maybe ever?). And despite her strongest
distances being in the mid-long range, she still managed to get into A Division
in the 500m earlier this season—a super impressive showing for a 3000m skater.
In comparison, Takagi got absolutely lit up in B Div
3000m races at the first two World Cups where she missed out on qualifying an
Olympic quota for Japan by a pretty big margin. Joy Beune might have Morozova
beat in the average 3000m or 5000m race, but there is essentially no shot she’ll
ever skate an A Div 500m race. When it comes to a skaters ability to perform at
a world class level across every distance, Morozova might actually be the most
impressive.
The Angelina Golikova Award For Skating
Good –
It’s been a few years but we’re bringing back this
oldie. The rules area simple: the award gets handed out to the woman who skates
the fastest lap at an international event. One of the reasons we stopped handing
out this award is because it was always won by Jutta Leerdam and was starting
to get a bit stale. This week’s winner is… fucking Jutta again. She ripped a
26.3 second lap in her 1000m race. Considering only five girls went sub 27 all
weekend, a 26.3 is pretty wild.
The Pavel Kulizhnikov Award For Skating
Good –
In the name of gender parity (so that we’re still
eligible for federal grants and funding from our woke liberal government) I
guess I’ll bring back this one too. Rules are the same as the above, but for
the men. This week’s winner (by a landslide) is Damian Zurek. He skated a 24.4
second lap in both of his 500m races as well as in his 1000m. Those were the
only three sub 24.5 second laps for any skater all weekend. Considering Stolz,
de Boo, Liiv, Kania, Kim and others were all shredding this weekend, this is a
super impressive feat.
That’s all for now. I’ll be back very soon with Part 2.
World Cup skating resumes on February 6
th
with the Olympic Winter
Game in Milan, Italy.
Cheers,
Dad