TL;DR scroll to the bottom for the vote results
Hello fellow speed skating enthusiasts and masochists (because why else would you be here?)
As I did two years ago, I'll break down the team name vote, complete with some unsolicited commentary. I'd have done this last year, but almost all of your team names sucked, and I was also across the world without access to a computer for 2/3 of the skating season. Consider yourself lucky that you were given a full season of respite from this tedium. In contrast to Dad's power rankings, we're gonna start with the bottom of the barrel and leave you simply begging for the winner by the time you get to the end of the post. Without further ado:
The Goose Eggs
0 - GoldenSK8 Blades
0 - G's Minions
0 - Draft and Furious
0 - Patty Daddy's OnlyHans: BTS ASMR
If these teams were playing golf, this would be a truly impressive par performance. Unfortunately for them, combining for a whopping total of 0 is really bad in the case of a popular vote. Honestly, I expected Draft and Furious to at least pick up a few votes; it's concise, punny, and punchy. What can ya do? Otherwise, not much else to say apart from advising caution against naming your team after a guy who had his tooth (or back? or maybe frontal lobe?) removed last season along with apparently all of his talent.
Meh
1 - 1 Lap Wonders
1 - Hamm's Lollobrigade: Olympic Edition
1 - Simon's Leftovers
1 - I Ghiotto Be The One
2 - Angeleyes
2 - Should've Been Me (having Maddie)
2 - Skate McTominay's Tartan Spartans
2 - Battle of the Matts 2: "I only came back from Stockton to beat Matt L"
2 - To be Frank...
2 - Even Steven's Semen Eating Emins 4: Stop Ruining Disney Shows or I'll KMS
2 - Gao Big or Gao Home
Like above, there are a few names in here that I really do think deserve better. If you don't understand 1 Lap Wonders, go look at the team's composition and then report back. Hilarious. And to be frank, I'm also a fan of To Be Frank... (see what I did there? Am I not the epitome of comedy? Frick I'm hilarious) Unfortunately, the manager duo of this team had to drop their team's namesake when they learned that Olympic Oval Classic Series points don't count in the draft. Love the symbolic pick though. We also see the pair of Angeleyes and Should've Been Me (having Maddie) tying at 2 votes apiece, which feels like a cute (albeit mediocre) performance in this vote. Love wins.
Certified Real Team Names
3 - Takagi Care of Business
3 - GAO deep or go home
3 - Jordan's Dirty Naruto Fetish 2: Shomu_Sasaki_Nudes.jpeg
3 - Tay's Stallions and the Giddy up girly pops
4 - Vlady's Baddies
4 - That's So Raven's Cravings 4:
The story of Howe I once "Beat It" to Marijke-l Jackson's nudes
4 -
Just Another Horny Old Dutchman 4: Silaeva-ting at the thought of McGagger Seoking my Kok
4 - Christian's Team
4 - Silver was promised to us 4 years ago
4 - Christian's 2nd Team
4 - 2 Americans 1 Adulterer
4 - Wiklund 9 to 5
4 - No Country for Old Han
Welcome to the group of solidly mid team names! They're certainly not like the shitters that we've encountered so far, but they also pale in comparison to the stronger names to come. In this group, we learn that including more capital letters ("GAO deep or go home") will help you outperform the nearly exactly identical team name found in the previous category ("Gao Big or Gao Home"). Perhaps the lesson here is that you should both come up with better puns next time and you'll avoid this duel in the first place. I suggest taking note of the original (albeit sometimes janky) uses of Takagi, Vladimir, Silaeva, Marijke, McGregor, Seok, Wiklund, and Han in this group. While you may suffer several strokes reading some of these team names (see: Just Another Horny Old Dutchman 4), at least they're examples of puns we've never seen before. Another pair of results to note are Christian's Team and Christian's 2nd Team, which go to show that simply slapping a nametag onto your teams performs better in the vote than some of the garbage we've seen so far. Oof. A further important note from this pair of teams is that they both beat the Mélines in the vote, serving as an important win for the Liebzeits after collectively losing to the Mélines in the draft last year. Looks like the draft's very own heated rivalry is heating up even more, though I'm pretty sure there's a bit less gay sex in this one.
The Chase
5 - Graemer Fishsticks VIII: Feel grVIII, speed skVIII
5 - Jutta Once Sat On My Bed
5 - The Real Housewives of Astana ft. Lollo
6 - Beune Appetite: The 10 key Ningredients to Jordan's dream elevensome
6 - Reece's Recess Reimagined: Smelly Spinelli Slobbing on King Bob's Throbbing Thingamabob
Alright, these teams brought some heat (can you tell something is on my mind?) when coming up with their names. First, a shoutout to Stepdad for a PB in the team name vote with this banger of a team name. You really VIII with that. Next up, you all really need to stop fueling Dad's cursed brainchilds (brainchildren?) with so many votes. Stop that. My eyes can only handle so much bullshittery, even if I kind of like it. On another note, I'll leave you all with a question: have the bedsheets been washed since Jutta sat on them? Sound off in the comments.
Bangers
7 - Kania see your Kok
7 - De Boo-ty Call
7 - The Compulsive Master Peder
7 - Pushing 40, Cracking 20
8 - Kjeld Lovas Yankin His Woj
You all really liked these names, and deservedly so. With 4 of these five names relating to sex, it reveals how depraved the average draft participant is. Y'all nasty. I do have to say that Woj is a pretty hefty stretch for what I can only assume is meant to be a reference to male genitalia, but the cluster of relatively simple puns won enough people over to get you in the top. And have I ever mentioned that Kok is a TIRED PUN that desperately craves retirement? do BETTER.
The Runner Up
10 - Liiv by the Kok, die by the Kok
See above.
La crème de la crème
11 - Ten Things I hate About Joep
Love it - congrats to this year's most popular team name! A clean pun that also appeals to millenial nostalgia? Clearly a recipe for success among this gang of aging shitters. To everyone who voted for this name, how's your back pain doing?
Thanks to everyone for voting! We finished with 30 voters who collectively cast a crisp 150 votes. Below you can see a visual representation of how the votes turned out. And for transparency's sake, my votes were: Jutta Once Sat On My Bed, Skate McTominay's Tartan Spartans, De Boo-ty Call, Ten Things I Hate About Joep, Beune Appetite: The 10 key Ningredients to Jordan's dream elevensome.
With love,
Your Biological Father