Hello speed skating enthusiasts,
A lot has happened in the world of speed skating these
past few weeks. Various national Olympic trials have taken place (and continue
to take place), new religions are being founded, and the ISU is succumbing to
woke culture. All these fascinating and developing stories (and more!) are
expanded below in what is essentially all the thoughts that I could manage to
put together on a snowy Saturday morning. Please keep in mind that these
stories are all accurately reported on by our talented team of
fantasyspeedskating.com reporters. If you prefer to read satire, you should
check out the Calgary Herald. Or, if you prefer reading propaganda, please
check out
www.cbc.ca
.
The Redemption of Tijmen Snel –
After
finishing top 3 in the 1500m at the 2022 Dutch Olympic Trials, Tijmen Snel was
not selected for the team. Instead, the Dutch Federation opted to take Marcel
Bosker who could also skate the TP, an event they ultimately failed to medal in
at the Olympics. Here at Dad’s Column, that’s what we call a heartbreaker. This
time around, Snel finished 2
nd
in the 1500m and locked in his spot
on the Olympic team, finally achieving his Olympic dream. There aren’t many
things we love to see more than skaters who prevail in the face of adversity
and a lack of love from their federation.
Nuis-Wennemars Beef –
After
finishing 4
th
in the 1500m at Dutch Trials (and watching the “love
of his life” Joy Beune also finish 4
th
), Kjeld Nuis sounded off
about how crazy it is that the Netherlands doesn’t prequalify their most
dominant skaters. Joep Wennemars then responded to him in the media saying: “I
also think it’s ridiculous that some skaters still have to prove themselves. I
agree with Kjeld, but this is not the time to complain about it. We could have
done that four years ago and two years ago and we can do that after the Games.
Kjeld has never committed himself prematurely to adjust these kinds of rules.
He is not present at athletes’ meetings. But if he has an interest in it
himself, he starts talking.”
He then added, “He has performed things that I have
deep and deep respect for. But he could also have committed to another
qualification system over the past twelve years instead of starting at [Olympic
Trials] about this."
Upon hearing the two guys fire shots back and forth at
each other in the media, Jake Paul immediately bought the rights to the Nuis vs
Wennemars boxing match that will be hosted on Netflix sometime in 2027 or 2028.
He’s hoping to pair the fight with a Logan & Jake Paul vs Anthony Joshua
match as a doubleheader.
On a more serious note, Dutch trials craziness has put
the Dutch Federation in some very tough situations over the last two Olympics
thanks to the IOC reducing the number of skaters they can send per gender to a maximum
of 9 (to fill 17 quota spots). If the Dutch don’t get gold in the women’s 1500m
in February, Dad expects the Dutch Federation to adjust their rules for 2030 so
that skaters like Joy (who are undefeated on the circuit in the 1500m) can get
a bye for the Olympics.
Van de Who? –
Despite
talk of prequalification at future Dutch Trails, not all the top skaters last
weekend even went to the Fall World Cups. Stijn van de Bunt absolutely crushed
the competition in the men’s 5000m and 10,000m events and has now been selected
to also compete in the Mass Start and Team Pursuit at the Olympics. Stijn has
never qualified for a senior level international event before, so he will be
making one hell of a debut in 2026. He was only born in 2004, which is the same
year that Dad and Stepdad started drinking. Really makes me feel old tbh.
When the Prins isn’t the King –
On
a less fun note, Tim Prins got absolutely robbed of a spot on the Olympic team
after coming as close as fucking possibly to qualifying in two distances. In
the 1000m, he crossed the line side-by-side with Nuis and ultimately lost the
pair by 0.005 seconds, putting him in 4
th
place. He then managed to
take Nuis down in the 1500m, but the 3
rd
1500m spot was ranked lower
on the matrix than the 3
rd
1000m spot. Ultimately, the Dutch
Federation chose to bump Prins from the team so that they could send Marcel Bosker
in the 5000m and, more importantly, the Team Pursuit.
After making the decision, Koenie Koentsma (a spokesperson
for the Dutch Federation) had this to say: “ah yes, tough tijd for the jonge whippersnapper
Timmy who came zo close. We feel for him. Unfortunately [his mouth starts
salivating], we now heeft to put twee-time defending Olympic Kampioen Kjeld
Nuis in de 1500m event [his hand moves slowly into his pants]. Zo sad voor the jonge
skater Timmy. His time will come eventually”. (To those watching the presser,
it looked like Koentsma’s time was cuming much sooner.)
A Bosker Leafed Clover –
For
those keeping track, this is the second Olympics in a row that Marcel Bosker
failed to qualify his own spot based on the Dutch Matrix. Both times he was
selected at the expense of the 3
rd
1500m skater. The crazy part is
that the Dutch federation doesn’t even like him that much. Remember how he was
kicked from the TP team just two years ago so that they could try skating Joep
Wennemars instead? (that plan failed miserably.) Yet somehow he keeps putting himself
into just the right position for the Dutch Federation to select him for their
Olympic Team. With Bosker now essentially guaranteed to skate all the TP races,
we can expect the Dutch to miss the TP podium yet again at these Olympics. When
will the Dutch Federation learn their lesson?
I Just Kurumi’d in my Pants –
After
placing 5
th
at Japanese trails in the 500m and spending all season
in B Division, Kurumi Inagawa has been selected for the Japanese Olympic team.
Make it make sense…
Japanese Trials Recap –
It
wasn’t the most exciting trials event, but I guess it deserves more than two sentences
on Kurumi Inagawa. For the most part, skaters qualified in the distances we
expected them to qualify. The handful of upsets/surprises were Morishige
getting a 1000m spot at the expense of skaters like Shinhama and Kojima, and
Hana Noake getting the 2
nd
MS spot behind Sato (likely so they can
have her as TP alternate). Taiga Sasaki, a Junior B2, was only 1 second off
making the 1500m. Masaya Yamada, who not that long ago won a pair of gold
medals at a World Cup, had a best finish of 17
th
. Miho skated really
fast in plenty of distances but opted not to take an Olympic spot in the 500m.
Momoka Horikawa also crushed a lot of distances at trials, meaning she’ll
likely shit the bed on the international scene again in typical fashion (also
keep in mind that she’s currently the substitute for the MS because of Noake).
Calling All LOTR Fans –
Do
you love LOTR? Same here. Thankfully, we have a new character to deal with:
Denny Morrison. Because I ain’t talking about Lord of the Rings. No sir, I’m talking
about Life on the Road, the only LOTR you should be thinking about these days.
Tune into the latest podcast episode and listen to our interview with 4-time
Olympian Denny Morrison. Available (or at least available VERY SOON) on Spotify (and
hopefully one day on Apple as well, but please keep in mind that we’re boomers
and technology is scary).
Quebecgate
–
In the final (good) pair of the men’s 500m trial event at the Canadian Olympic Skate Off, Larry faced off against
Cedric. Larry was pre-qualified and Cedric was trying to chase down the time of
34.979 set by Christopher Fiola. In the final corner, Larry conveniently “slipped”
and went into the outside lane, just ahead of Ced. Dad had a number of
internationally recognized physicists calculate the amount of draft that Ced
got by having Larry enter his lane and they said it was likely worth about 0.015-0.02
seconds. Ced then went on to beat Fiola’s time by exactly 0.01. That’s about as
wild a finish as you can get. After collecting an assist on that race, Larry is
now at the top of the Olympic Skate Off scoreboard.
Quebecgate 2.0
–
The Quebec Oval timing system seems to be oddly adjusting times by up to 0.02
seconds
after
racing was done. Considering some races were won by less
than this, this is at least a little concerning.
Play Stupid Games, Win Stupid Prizes –
Rumour
has it that Ivanie Blondin showed up to Quebec City for trials the day before racing
started. She then proceeded to lose “her” 3k spot to Laura Hall. Let this be a
lesson to everyone on why Olympic Trials should be taken seriously, even if you
are a very strong skater. We may not be as deep as the Netherlands, but Canadian
Trials is still one of the few national trial events that actually means
something.
DEI Initiative Takes Over Men’s 5000m –
The
all-time world rankings in the men’s 5000m have been subject to a DEI trial run
by the ISU. After years of Dutch dominance, the ISU decided some diversity was
needed. And, to be absolutely clear, they meant a diversity of nationalities,
not skin colour. This initiative began in 2020 during the peak of COVID-19 when
race became a massive news topic and DEI was considered trendy.
So, how successful was the ISU in this initiative?
Well, of the all-time top 10 fastest 5000m skaters, the only country with
multiple skaters is still the Netherlands, but they have been reduced to only
two spots and the highest of these is 7
th
. Canada has one, Italy has
one, USA another, and Norway with one as well. Shockingly (at least if you told
me this would happen 6 years ago), France has the very top spot, Sweden has the
second spot, Czechia has the 6
th
spot, and Austria (?!??) made it
onto the list as well.
As a proud Dutch-Canadian, I find it abhorrent that so
many shitter countries have skaters ranked in the all-time top ten in this
distance thanks only to some woke DEI bullshit. I am considering starting a
Stop
the Steal
campaign to reclaim the men’s 5000m for its rightful owners—the
Dutch.
Why Can’t Asian’s Skate the Men’s 5000m? –
Ok,
to be fair, a more accurate question would be why aren’t they
good
at skating the men’s 5000m? Let’s
look at the data: the all-time highest ranked Asian male in the 5000m is Lee
Seung-Hoon in 19
th
. Next up is Hanbin Lui (a junior) in 27
th
.
After that comes Shomu Sasaki (N1) in 35
th
. That’s it for the top
50.
Going back to our initial question, the obvious answer
is that the ISU didn’t originally include any Asian countries in their DEI
initiative, leaving them at a significant disadvantage relative to the mostly
white European countries that the ISU seems to favour. Is the ISU racist? Meh,
who knows. It's hard to be woke
and
racist. But they have, as of last year, finally included Asians in this
initiative and so we should see Asian skaters quickly climb up these ranks. The
first injection of DEI includes the aforementioned Lui and Sasaki, as well as
Sasaki’s younger brother, Sasaki.
The Church of Femke Kok
– A new-found religion is taking the Netherlands by storm. The Church of Femke
Kok is rapidly picking up followers as Femke continues to prove that she is not
some simple mortal but has officially assumed the status of a god. Followers
have four core beliefs: (1) Femke is not human, (2) Jordan Stolz
is
human,
(3) seven is a lucky number, and (4) all followers will be delivered to what is
essentially a form of heaven upon Femke winning her 7
th
Olympic
Medal. Followers have started identifying each other by greeting each other
with “God is een Kok” to which the proper response is “Als dat waar is, dan houd ik van God”.
That’s all for now. I’ll be back soon with an update
to the Free Agent and Injury Trackers. World Cup skating resumes on January 23
rd
with World Cup 5.
Cheers,
Dad