Hello speed skating managers,
And just like that, the Fall World Cup circuit is
over. Four fantastic weekend of racing, a few new world records, some highs (the
exciting new storylines) and lows (your team’s results), and everything in
between. As Dad slowly digests the madness that was the past five weeks and attempts
to re-jig the Power Rankings into something that won’t be thrown back at me in
March as evidence of my stupidity, I thought it might be nice to get another
post up on the column. Something simpler, maybe even something a bit less time
consuming. And what could be easier that showing y’all how bad your teams are?
Dad’s Lads 101: 1895 to Today
November 27
th
is an historical day. In
1924, this is the day that the first Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade took place in
New York City. This is also the day that gay rights activist Harvey Milk—not to
be confused with Sean Penn—was ruthlessly assassinated in San Francisco. It was
November 27, 2006, when the Quebecois were recognized as a nation within Canada,
thanks mostly to Quebec’s all-time greatest ally, Stephen Harper.
Bruce Lee, Jimi Hendrix, and Bill Nye were all born on
November 27. Alfred Nobel’s will, which established the Nobel Prize, was signed
on a dreary and blustery November 27
th
back in 1895. But despite the
rich history associated with this mighty date, the most important November 27
of all came in 2024 with the establishment of Dad’s Lads. At first, managers
laughed at their bleak outlook. “They’re nothing but a bunch of nobodies” cried
one manager. “You can’t put a skin suit on a turd and expect it to skate fast” moaned
another. “This isn’t tiddlywinks, this is fucking speed skating!” yelped a
third voice. Out in the crowd were the nodding heads of Breg Geiber and Caul Poderre.
But, by God, where they all quickly proven wrong. Dad’s
Lads quickly swallowed up dogshit teams as they climbed through the rankings,
embarrassing even the most confident of managers. Managers who had been with us
for 5, 6, even 7 years were no match for Dad’s Lads. Even one columnist here on
Dad’s Column (obviously not Dad!) was beat handily by Dad’s Lads.
After the bludgeoning of 2024-25, it only felt right
to bring the lads back for another season. To be entirely honest, Dad’s had a
suspicious feeling that too many managers are feeling too confident this year
and could use a little bit of humbling. Dad might be partially to blame for
this—I can’t say the column has been as savage as some years in the past.
Thankfully we’ve got some tools at our disposal. Nothing hurts more than
realizing your team is worse than a group of literal Free Agents, so Dad’s Lads
are back for 2025-26.
Dad’s Lads 201: The Rules
The rules are pretty simple. I’ve made three teams of
skaters who, realistically, should be pretty bad. For a skater to be selected for
one of the three teams, they had to be a Free Agent in at least one pool at the
end of Draft Day. That’s pretty much it—it’s these teams of Free Agents facing
off against your crummy teams.
Now, since we want these teams to have the best
possible chance at beating a couple of actual teams in the league, we’ll give
each team a special rule or two. The first team,
Dad’s Lads
, is
made up of 10 skaters, just like our teams. Their advantage is that they earn
points for their eight best skaters every weekend, determined
after
the
racing happens.
The second team,
The Leftovers
, have a
limitation: this team can’t have a skater that is already on
Dad’s Lads
.
This means this team is really scraping the bottom of the barrel when it comes
to Free Agents. To compensate a bit for that, this team will have 12 skaters
and every single one of them will earn points every single weekend.
Finally, the third team,
Jordan Stolz
,
is pretty straightforward. It’s literally just Jordan Stolz. And one of the few
guarantees in life is that this team will not be the lowest team in the
standings. There’s a reason we don’t let any of you fuckers pick this guy on Draft
Day and it will soon become pretty obvious why.
Is Your Team Really Better Than a Bunch of
Free Agents?
So, which unlucky skaters are on these teams? And how
many real teams are these teams of Free Agents beating?
Dad’s Lads
Last season, Dad’s Lads put up a big two weekends
right off the hop and then proceeded to fade slightly down the stretch. This
season, Dad’s Lads are off too a pretty incredible start and seem to be sustaining quality points-per-weekend pretty well. All 10 skaters have made it into the top 8 for
at least one weekend. Three have posted double digit points every weekend and
all 10 have hit double digits at least once. Things have been going well enough
for this team, particularly World Cup 3 which saw this team finish 16
th
on a weekend of racing with only one 500m event. This is a promising sign for
this team’s potential at the Olympics when the 500m is also only raced once. Overall,
Dad’s Lads’ 535 points puts them in a tie for 19
th
in the league,
exactly at the halfway mark and in a dead tie with Stepdad. This shouldn’t be
surprising, since the following entry can be found in the dictionary:
me·di·o·cre
/ˌmēdēˈōkər/
adjective
of only moderate quality;
not very good.
"a mediocre skater"
or
noun
an insignificant band of
speed skating free agents of middling quality.
“like Dad’s Lads, but the
version you’d buy at Dollarama”
Note: not to be confused with
similar entries, such as “Stepdad” or “Graeme Fish”
The Leftovers
If you thought
Dad’s Lads
were actually looking
a little scary, maybe this team will offer some respite. Some of these skaters
seem to be finding their stride, such as Kuratsubo and Diniz. Others have had flashes
of greatness, including Lian, Chung, and Maly. A few, like Malfatti and Zueva,
might even be saving their best moments for February. Nonetheless, the reality
is that this group is nothing more than second class free agents. And, when
looking at the points, it really does show. 366 points after 4 World Cups has
this team tied for 40
th
with Jack. To the dismay of
The
Leftovers
, Jack’s team has notable non-Free Agents such as Marijke
Groenewoud and Ragne Wiklund. It’s actually pretty bonkers that this team of
degenerates is even close to a team with headliners that good, but here we are.
They’ve actually been neck in neck every weekend, finishing each World Cup
within 7 points of each other, rising and falling in tandem. Stay tuned to see
who prevails in the end—it should be a close one!
Jordan Stolz
453 points and buddy is only four measly World Cups
into the season. Only three skaters have hit that mark in each of the last two
full seasons: Miho Takagi, Marijke Groenewoud, and Joy Beune. To be putting up
numbers that skaters like that can do in a full season after only the Fall World
Cups is bonkers. Stolz has raced 19 races so far at these World Cups, a very
impressive 4.75 per weekend in A Division (the highest on the World Cup
circuit). If we take out his mass start in Heerenveen when he fell and got 23
rd
,
Stolz is average 25.17 points per race. To average
more
points than a
first-place finish when staying on your feet is wild. To do that for four
weekends straight is wild. To do it across four different distances is wild.
Who the fuck is going to beat this guy? If Stolz was a team all on his own, he
would be in 33
rd
in the league standings, ahead of 8 teams.
That’s all I’ve got for now. I’ll be back shortly with
an update to the
Crappy Tire Power Rankings,
as well as some other
content on Olympic quotas, various national Olympic Trial events, and any other
noteworthy items I deem worthy of a column.
Cheers,
Dad