Mom’s column returns
I’ve been mulling over a way to come back to support our
poor dads (Dad, Stepdad, and our Biological Father) who have been so very shit
at putting out columns this speed skating season. I’m here to tell all of you
managers that, frankly, some of your teams suck. Some of you managed to pull
together some formidable teams and it really is quite annoying for the rest of
us. But despite some clear top-tier picks every team has some regrets. Here are
some choices that make Mom not mad, just disappointed.
Minor regrets:
Ben- It’s literally a computer and it made so many better
picks than most (38 at the moment) of you shitters. Who does this computer
regret the most: Jorrit Bergsma. If it were a human, it would probably have
serious regrets about taking Ted because fuck that guy. Although the theme here
seems to be regretting taking old dutch guys who are way past their prime and
need to retire and go hang out with their kids (I’ll assume that Jorrit
actually likes his).
Charlotte and Ryan- These managers
might just be regretting their 7
th
round pick of Lee Na-Hyun. Who
can blame them for thinking getting this Korean sprinter who finished 12
th
in the overall 500m standings last year and got as high as 5
th
at
the Salt Lake world cup would be a bad pick. Unfortunately, the three points she
has put up this season is a far cry from the potential that she showed last
year. I can promise these managers that as soon as they don’t take her next
year, she’ll be good again.
Jenna- This team is actually quite
good, Mom can admit that. Their biggest regret lies in their namesake. Ariana
Fontana has made three appearances on the world cup circuit this year, all in
the 1500, all in B group. Not great when getting points does require their
skater to be in A group.
Eric + Emil- This team has finally
lived up to its potential, drafting real people in the first six rounds. This
team was smart to wait to take Connor until round 7, no regrets there. Perhaps
what they do regret is taking Gabe and Murakami but ultimately deciding to drop
Gabe who has been seen alive at world cups and is even picking up some small
points in the mass start where Murakami has apparently succumbed to being beat
by younger Japanese men (and by younger, I mean juniors). Too bad they didn’t
take the Czech kid this year.
MCV- This team is very good this
year. Will they be this first female winners of the draft, not if Thomas has
anything to say about it. This team does have a very good shot at it though.
Although their chances might be better if Morishige and Herzog were performing.
This team’s biggest regret is almost certainly dropping Cooper McLeod
(currently 5
th
in the 500m standings) before the season even began
to pick up Gao (currently dead) only for McLeod to be picked up by who? that’s
right, their biggest rival: Thomas.
Thomas- This team is just good.
Rio Yamada has not been having a great season, with only 17 points accumulated
thus far. Shomu Sasaki has had even less success having only eight points this
season. No problem for this team though, Sasaki is gone and Cooper McLeod is
in. Their only regret is that Femke hasn’t been there to whole time to win
more.
Christian- Masaya Yamada. No wait,
that was last year. He learned and as a result, this team is actually good. His
biggest regret from draft night, Bosiek, has already been replaced and this
team is sitting pretty with 10 good skaters. I can almost guarantee that he’s
still regretting dropping Mei Han to pick up Masaya (and no, we will never let
him forget about one of the worst management decisions in fantasy speed skating
history).
Paul + Jonah- This team is made up
of a pair of managers who have won the draft (Jonah) and who you’re scared to
be in the same pool with (Paul). They have backed that up by drafting a
respectable team. Their only regret might be taking Kimi in the first round.
Not because she’s a bad pick, because she’s just not having a first-round
season.
Zach- This manager historically
inhabits the depths of the league standings table. This year, Zach managed to
draft a team that might just win him his money back. Drafting Sofia Thorup and
Moritz Klein late on draft night might have been this team’s downfall but with
these two skaters quickly dropped from the roster, Zach might live to regret
using both of his free agent pick ups before the season is half over. With this
team locked in stone, let’s hope Zach couldn’t have made any better trades.
Max- If Max were going for world
junior success, then Didrik Strand would have been a great pick. Instead Didrik
has earned all of 14 points so far this year and it all happened at World Cup
1. His 10
th
place finish in the 1500 and 8
th
in the mass
start was clearly not an omen for what was to come. Since that first weekend,
Strand has not placed within the top 15 despite attending world cups 1-3. He
skipped out on Milwaukee in favour of an italian vacation. If podiums at
juniors counted for anything then Didrik is your guy. Though he still not
winning there so really, was that draft pick really a smart choice.
Lindsey- Of all the Polish
sprinters Lindsey could have picked, all of them would have been better than
Piotr Michalski. Michalski is barely hanging on in A group and has earned six
points for this team. At least Lindsey has been smart enough to leave him on
the bench so that none other than Seitaro Ichinohe can be gathering points for
his team.
Bon+Kieran- Taking a relatively
unknown skater who has never before raced on the world cup circuit is a bold
choice. These managers took none other than Sofia Thorup. This Russian turned
Dane has proven that the short to long track transition doesn’t always work.
Has she made an appearance in A group, yes, once. Did she swiftly make her way
back to B group, also yes. And with a fall in Milwaukee in the B group 500,
it’s safe to say that this Thorup is not any better than the other one.
Rob and Simon- At this point, we
should all know better than to draft anyone with the last name Yamada (related
or not): Kazuya and Rio have accumulated only 17 points each this season, both
are bad. Kazuya used to be a well-picked skater, how that ever happened, who
knows. Maybe it was the incredible foot speed that gaslit all of the managers
into thinking that that translated to actual speed on the ice. Unfortunately
for Rob, this has not been the case. As the only manager to take Kazuya this
year, he has left him on the bench all season. Simon could be forgiven that
thinking that Rio was going to be a good pick, unfortunately for him, he was
sucked into the mania of “this skater is going I need to take them now” and
drafted Rio in the sixth round along with all other pools. He’s clearly
regretting that choice as Rio has already been dropped in favour of the Woj
(that’s a damn lucky free agent pick up). Both these managers could have taken
someone so much better in the 6
th
round than these Yamadas.
Major regrets:
Joel and Kiersten + Hayleigh-
Looking at these teams you might wonder how their biggest regret isn’t Patrick
Roest. Roest’s infected brain is keeping him sidelined from the first four
world cups and his incredibly poor performance at allround trials for Euros
might have these managers a bit worried. But if Roest can somehow manage to
qualify for and then do well at Champs, then it’s all worth it. The same cannot
be said for Elisa Dul who has somehow gotten worse from her performances at
Dutch trials where she barely qualified for the 3k and 5k. She pulled out
respectable performances in the mass starts in Asia and then everything fell
apart. Dul fell out of A group after the first 3k of the season, earning her
teams a single point in the process, and she hasn’t gotten back. She’s wasting
away in B group, making the podium at world cup 2 but not in first place where
she needed to be in order to get back into A for the 5k. And then her 5k was
garbage, placing 20
th
in B group. She’s been so bad in fact that she
didn’t even go to Milwaukee, she went home. This begs the question: will she
even qualify for the back half of the season? Big regrets here.
Cody- This manager also has Elisa
Dul on their team (see above). However that might not be his biggest regret.
Cody has an impressive knack for leaving podiums on his bench and this has
proven to be the case yet again this season. Taking Timothy Loubineaud always
feels like a bold move, although this year it is proving to be the right one.
Loubineaud has accumulated 75 points so far this season, including two wins in
the mass start. It’s too bad for Cody that he managed to have Loubineaud
sitting down for not one, but both of those podium performances. If anyone
shares any skaters with Cody and wants them to do well, all you need do is ask
Cody so very nicely to bench them, guaranteed podium for you.
Jordan and Taylor- These managers
fell into the classic “Dutch skaters doing good at Dutch trials therefore they
must be good picks” trap. Joep Wennemars has fooled these managers and three
others on draft night. He is not a sure bet to make world cups 5 and 6 and
world championships. At least these managers have had the sense to either keep
him on their bench or drop him. Mom is becoming disappointed that teams keep
drafting this mediocre Dutch man.
Anna+Emma+Maya- Nono mure losing
unfortunately seems not to be the theme for this team this year. Despite
getting the first round pick and taking Miho, it falls off a cliff shortly
thereafter. They did make some picks who in years past would be just right for
a winning team. But all of these skaters are just not performing this year. I
hate to say it, but this team probably regrets most of their choices. The
biggest regret of all, however, might be Connor Howe in the fourth round.
Connor has had glimpses of his form from a few seasons ago but he’s had the
misfortune of bouncing between A and B Group which makes it rather difficult to
accumulate this team any points.
Rachel- Oh Rachel. You have
Ghiotto, you have a world record. Unfortunately you also have Joep. Need I go
on. This team’s self-proclaimed biggest regret is drafting Joep Wennemars. He
has gotten a woeful 17 points this season of which Rachel has gotten none of
because he’s been sitting on her bench all year. That’s the same number of
points into Rachel’s total that his teammate Chung Jae-Won has gotten, but
that’s because this year Chung has decided that he doesn’t want to try. I
propose a name change for this team to something that has become painfully
obvious: “Joep can(‘t) do it :(”
Jalen, Cooper, and Daniel- These managers somehow thought
that picking Kaitlyn McGregor or Yevgeniy Koshkin (or both in Cooper’s case)
was a reasonable idea. Koshkin has proven time and again that he has a blazing
opener but can’t hold it together as soon as a corner is involved. McGregor has
picked up 19 points while Koshkin has only managed 5.
Matt L- The only reason this pick
is classified as a major regret and not a minor one is because it’s Ted. I
don’t know if this manager likes cheering for his own team but if he does,
cheering for Ted must be difficult every weekend. Thankfully, Matt has finally
taken Marrit Leenstra off his draft list and he’s now able to draft 10 active
skaters.
Abby, Luca, and Connor- These
managers should surely know better than to draft the likes of Voste or Hallgeir,
let alone both (@Connor). Between the two skaters, they’ve managed to gain
three points in the draft. All three of those points belong to Hallgeir, how he
made it through a whole 5k without having an asthma attack is beyond me. But of
course, if you’re doing the math here too, you’ve come to realise that that
means that Voste has zero, zilch, nada points so far this season- not a
surprise in Mom’s books.
Shawna + Kathy- Being this team’s
first year in the league it can be forgiven for making some questionable
choices. The choice, however, of drafting Li Qishi is mind-boggling. If this
team had done any research at all, they would have realized that Li Qishi died
after the Asian world cups last year and has not resurfaced. Luckily this team
has had the foresight to drop Li Qishi before any more damage can be done.
Dylan and Matt Z- These two teams
have the misfortune of choosing a good skater who has decided to suck this
year. I am of course talking about Chung Jae-Won. After deciding that he really
didn’t want to skate in Asia, he came to Calgary to wild card his way into the A
group mass start only to have a break get away and since he only tries when he
has the chance to win, he finished 19
th
. He now sits in the overall
standings in the company of Taiyo Morino, Manuel Robla, and Josh Whyte.
Sofia + Greg- Sofia saved this
team from so many more regrets on draft night by reigning in Greg’s enthusiasm.
As such, their biggest regret is likely taking Fledderus in the fifth round.
Picking up only 20 points so far, this Dutch skater is not living up to her
potential this season. Of course as soon as Sofia left draft night and let Greg
out on his own, he proceeded to take Vanessa Herzog but that pick can be
excused this time because she’s living up to her ninth round pick position.
Unfortunately for most managers with this Austrian on their team, she arrived
there in the third or fourth round.
So, so many regrets:
Jess- Your “Wrecking Crew” is
wrecking you. I don’t even know where to begin. It’s easier to highlight this
manager’s only good pick on draft night: Jenning de Boo in the second round.
Yes, you read that correctly,
second round
. While Jenning has proven to
be a first-rounder this season, you might be asking yourself how could his
first round pick have been regrettable? Chirs Huizinga. Enough said, or so
you’d think. Unfortunately the parade of regrets continued through this team
like the plague. Michelle De Jong, Lee Na-Hyun, Reina Anema, and perhaps the
most egregious of all: Masaya Yamada. You’d think all managers would have
learned from Christian’s mistake last year after he dropped Mei Han (who went
on to be one of the highest point-getters in the league) to pick up Masaya
Yamada after his wins in the 1000 and 1500 at World Cup 1 in Japan (he went on
to accumulate eight points for the rest of the season).
Peter + Brooke- On paper this team
should be good. How is it that they find themselves at the bottom of the league,
currently in 39
th
place? Kimi is not turning out to be the first
round pick she proved to be last year, Bart Swings is off his mass start game,
Murakami isn’t at world cups, these managers have made no free agent pick ups.
But this team’s biggest regret may not be any single pick, it just might be
leaving Femke on the bench as she returned to the world cup circuit and
subsequently picked up three wins. That’s 95 points this duo could have had in
their pockets. They could have been sky high in 35
th
place.
Garrett- Drafting on the side of
the highway can be hard, as is reflected in this team. Ichinohe in the third
round is heinous, Femke in the fourth is impressive, Hallgeir at all is
shocking but most regretful of all is Peter Michael?!?!?! This is clearly a
case of who even speed skates but oh to stoop so low. To have to waste a free
agent trade on Peter Michael is just depressing.
Darby- This manager started their
rookie season very strong. Unfortunately, that success has not continued this
year. This team has three good picks off the top and a sneaky one later on in
Angel Daleman. But it’s all downhill from there: Herzog, Nonomura, Wennemars,
Chung, Strand, and finally Freek van der Ham who hasn’t stepped foot on world
cup ice because that spot that you thought he maybe got. Yeah, it was Kjeld’s.
Ian- This team started poorly and
ended poorly on draft night. KMS in the first round, Larry in the second, and
Horikawa in the third did not set this team up for success. Continue on with
Nonomura, Chung, and Murakami who have been effectively absent, this team is
finding itself at the very bottom of the league with a lot of ground to make
up. If this team’s skaters can somehow figure out how to move from start to
finish in a reasonably fast fashion, they could start earning this manager some
points. There are so many other skaters that could have been picked in the
first round which would have shot this team so far up the leaderboard. Instead,
they are sitting without a single skater having scored more than a hundred
points, one of only three teams to be in this position.
Sam- This manager decided to use a
new and definitely not improved approach to drafting this year. Literally every
single pick is a regret. That might be a little harsh considering Larry can be
quite good, he’s just coming off an injury. But as Stepdad himself would say, the
stats don’t lie, the first three picks are incredibly important on draft day
and taking KMS, Larry, and Herzog did this manager dirty. KMS has been bad,
Larry has been injured, Herzog is washed, Manganello is barely eeking out any
points in the mass start, Howe is having a rough year, Kojima only sometimes
shows up, Bosiek has gotten five points, Michelle de Jong is sick and a toss up
for making it to Champs, and the only sound decision this manager has made is
drop Gabe to pick up Hoolwerf. Now, how Hoolwerf was still available as a free
agent I’m not sure but lucky for Sam he was. I can’t imagine what was going
through his head when he decided to take not one, but two Austrians on draft
night. At this point, this manager might even consider picking up Indra Medard
who, so far, would have gotten him more points than six members of his current
team. In the future, maybe we should leave AI out of fantasy speed skating.
That’s all from Mom. Going forward,
please consider making better choices, I know most of you are smart enough to
do so.