Hello managers,
With two more World Cups now behind us, it’s time for
us to check in with how our crummy free agent teams are doing. With a ton of Asian
skaters missing at World Cup 4 because of the lead-up to Asia Winter Games,
some Asian-heavy teams took a noticeable hit in the standings. Was this enough
to cause you to fall behind a team of literal free agents?
We’ll find out in a second. But first, I want to address
something that I read in this morning’s Mom’s Column. Actually, I want to
address three things. First, I’d like to thank Mom for writing a column. The
Dads have had a busy year and are struggling to keep the site alive with fresh
content, so the (re)addition of another writer is a huge plus. Also, let’s not ignore
the fact that the piece was very in-depth and well researched. Great work Mom!
Second, for those who haven’t noticed, Dad’s Column
has a relatively strict naming convention. As people flock to the website from
around to the world to read columns written by Dad, the titles for these are
numbered and follow a recognizable pattern (that pattern is ascending numbers,
in case that was hard for you idiots to figure out). The non-Dad written
columns are usually more sporadic and are thus not named as part of a series
(for example, “Stepdad’s Tips”). I think it’s best we continue with this
practice so as not to confuse our fans, most of whom are deficient in intelligence.
Third and final, Dad has been accused of following the
lead of other managers and, seeing the run on Rio Yamadas in the 6
th
round, thinking that “this skater is going, I need to take them now”. This couldn’t
be farther from the truth. If you look at the actually draft and pool order,
you’ll notice that Dad actually picked Rio Yamada first.
Manager
Slot Rio was picked
in
Dad
42
Cody
43
Thomas
45
Max
45
Jordan
46
Mom may have accurately identified that there was a
run on Rio Yamadas on draft night (having a skater go in all five pools within
5 picks is incredibly uncommon, especially after round 1), but she misidentified
who the followers really were. Now, as the first to pick Rio, you could argue
that I was the catalyst of the run and that I’m to blame for encouraging this
group of managers to make a bad 6
th
round pick. But we’ll leave that
up to the interpretation of the audience. Long story short: Dad didn’t need to
follow other managers to make a bad pick, he’s a big boy and can make those bad
decisions all on his own.
Is Your Team Better Than a Bunch of Free
Agents?
That’s enough about Mom’s column though. Let’s catch
up with our free agent teams now that we’re four World Cups into the season. How
many real teams are all these teams of free agents beating? Here’s the
breakdown of World Cup 4.
Dad’s Lads
Things were looking great after World Cup 2, but Dad’s
Lads have taken a big step back since then. World Cup 3 saw a lower points
total for most teams due to a shorter race schedule, but Dad’s Lads struggled
to bounce back to their previous form at World Cup 4. Morozova and Kim were missing
due to Asia Winter Games, but this was a much smaller loss than the real teams
that had Mei Han, Kim Min-Sun, Ning Zhongyan, or any of the legitimately good
Asian skaters. Yoshida took a big step back at WC3, McLeod and Giovannini’s
points have dropped off a slight bit, and Hoolwerf struggled through a pair of
World Cup Mass Starts that were largely dominated by breaks rather than sprint
finishes. Murakami and Engebraten continue to be sore spots for this team, especially
with skaters like Kaja Ziomek-Nogal, Merijn Scheperkamp, Casey Dawson, or even
Merel Conijn continuing to prove that they should probably be on Dad’s Lads in
their place.
Overall, Dad’s Lads have quickly fallen out of the top
half. From 15
th
, they have fallen all the way down to 29
th
– new territory for this group of free agents who were starting to think they
were actually good at speed skating. For now, it appears that most teams have
weathered the storm that was a relatively weakened World Cup 4 lineup. Bar any
prolonged skater absences, I’d say at least half the league is sitting in a
pretty good spot relative to Dad’s Lads.
The Leftovers
The Leftovers continue to chug along in pretty typical
shitter fashion. For each of their skaters who took a step back (Sanne In ‘t
Hof, Elisa Dul, Livio Wenger), another skater proved that they could (still) contend
with the world’s best (Kaja Ziomek-Nogal, Merijn Scheperkamp, Casey Dawson).
The real test for this team will be Dutch Trials next
weekend. None of the Dutch skaters are particularly safe, though Scheperkamp
proved at Dutch Sprint Trials that he can contend for a spot at Worlds in both
the 500m and 1000m. Wennemars should still have a shot in the 1000m despite his
underwhelming season so far. In ‘t Hof has a chance to take down Conijn or Beune
in the 5000m, but I wouldn’t put money on that outcome. Bar a miracle
turnaround, Dul has almost no chance of making it onto the roster for Worlds.
She has truly been a national embarrassment these past few weeks.
Notable missing from this roster a handful of other
skaters who have proven that they probably deserved a spot among the Leftovers:
Merel Conijn, Hendrik Dombek, Stefan Westenbroek, Jorrit Bergsma, Greta Meyers,
and Kristina Silaeva.
The Leftovers have been passed by two of the four
teams they were beating after World Cup 2, so they now sit in 38
th
in the standings (which is where they were after the first World Cup). The team
just ahead of them: Stepdad’s team. They are fully confident they can close 20ish
point gap on that god awful team.
Jordan Stolz
Despite actually accelerating his points pace, Stolz
has dropped one spot and is currently “only” beating 6 teams (to be clear, the
95 points at WC3 wasn’t because he skated worse but because WC3 only had one
500m event. This means he averaged 31.67 points per race, rather than his usual
30).
As we covered in the previous Dad’s Column, Stolz
finally got beat in a 500m race at World Cup 4, his first loss in a 500m, 1000m,
or 1500m since December 2023 (an absolutely bonkers winning streak).
Nonetheless, he also accumulated enough track records on his home track in
Milwaukee that he set the single World Cup fantasy points record of 125 points.
That’s equivalent to five gold medals, or 4 golds and a world record. Most
skaters don’t race anywhere near enough for that to be possible even if every
single one of their competitors were to fall. The stuff that Stolz is doing is beyond
insane.
Stepdad’s team is now over 100 points behind Stolz.
Imagine spending hours to program a model that pumps out a list of 10 skaters
who are collectively that much worse than one skater? Embarrassing.
I know I keep promising the
Free Agent and
Injury Trackers
as well as a
Crappy Tire Power Rankings
update, but I think I might just wait until Dutch Trials is done to post
those. Which would be after next weekend. Or maybe I’ll have time later this
week to write those up. Who knows.
See you next time, shitters.
Dad