Hello Managers,
It’s time for another update to the
Crappy Tire
Power Rankings.
It’s been another two World Cups and I’m sure y’all are
eager to see where your team lands. Obviously, you can also look at the “League
Standings” tab up top, but those standing don’t paint a full picture. The nuance
of a full season is lost in those rankings.
For years, the smartest managers have been following the
Power Rankings
for an honest look of how their team compares to the rest
of the league. Here, we factor in how sprint heavy a team is, how many skaters
have an extra LD race at Worlds, how many points you might cash out from the
World Cup Classification, and, most importantly, whether your skaters will even
be racing the rest of the year.
Every country has now completed their main World
Champs selection events. A couple of notable skaters have decided to call an
early end to their season. Managers continue to severely mismanage their teams.
Huh, sounds like it’s just another typical February in fantasy speed skating.
We’ll start today with a look at the main reasons
teams are flying up and down the rankings before getting into the actual
rankings.
Dead Weight
Not all skaters are proving to be particularly helpful.
The following skaters are helping to move their teams through the rankings,
just not in the right direction.
Wataru Morishige –
He
won the 500m classification last year, and yet he is now on pace for about 100
points at the end of this season. For a skater who needs to earn the majority
of his points during the World Cup circuit, he’s been a weak link on the teams
he represents.
Nadezhda Morozova –
It’s
always hard to speak ill about a love interest, but Morozova has once again
shown why drafting her is so risky. There’s no doubt about her potential, but the
amount of races she misses and the variance between her best and worst days
make for a true gamble (and one that rarely pays off).
Rio Yamada –
After
a fantastic 2023-2024 season and a solid trials, it looked like Rio was on
route to continue her progress on the international circuit. Instead, she forgot
how to skate a 500m, fucked around with a few too many non-World Cup 1500m
races, and then checked out for World Cup 4 so she could go and get steamrolled
at Asia Winter Games. Her status as a dead weight skater is evident by the
number of teams that have dropped her already.
Gao Tingyu –
In
hindsight, seeing managers clambering to pick up this incredibly unreliable Chinese
sprinter the second he showed up on an entry list is a bit funny. He fucked
over his teams last year. He did the same the year before. It’s almost like
there’s a trend here…
Chung Jae-Won –
I
still have no idea what happened to this guy. All I know is that he missed a bunch
of races, wildcarded into the mass start only to earn zero points, and then
quickly disappeared again. This is NOT a recipe for success in fantasy speed
skating.
Hallgeir Engebraten –
The
3 points he earned in the fall might be the only 3 points he earns all season.
For someone coming off a season with a World Championship medal… for a guy with
an Olympic bronze medal in an individual distance… this is a very far fall from
the top.
Patrick Roest –
Before
the start of Dutch Trials, he announced that his season was coming to an early
finish. We all knew the risk, hence why he was mostly drafted in the 3
rd
round, but I don’t think anyone thought he would miss a full season after
getting his wisdom teeth removed. He's been the most consistent male points earner of
the last 7 or so years and a full season without the king of the 5000m is a
strange sight indeed.
Kimi Goetz –
Like
Roest, Goetz also announced that her season is coming to an early finish. The
difference is that no one saw this coming. For the managers who drafted her in
the first round, this is a massive hit to their teams.
Elements of a Surging Team
Some skaters have either had a hot enough start to put
their team into a great position or are set for big points at the end of the
season (usually at Worlds where points are multiplied by 4). Which skaters do
you wish you had on your roster? These ones.
Angel Daleman –
She
might only be 17 years old (which, if you’re a Dutch man, is the highlight of
this paragraph), but she has already joined the world’s best at the top of the
women’s mid-distance events. We’re used to seeing “random” Dutchies break onto
the circuit like this, but never at this age. It’s a remarkable achievement for
the young skater and vindication for the managers who picked her in the middle
rounds of the draft. She even managed to snag one spot at World Champs, meaning
she’ll be earning her teams points right till the end of the season.
Jorrit Bergsma
–
Geriatric? Yup. World Cup gold medal? Hell yes. Probably going to World Champ for
three distances? Looking super likely at this point, unless the Dutch
Federation decides they want to shoot themselves in the foot in the mass start
again. Despite his age, Bergsma has proven yet again that he is absolutely world
class.
Casey Dawson –
This
American distance skater has quickly established himself as a legit member of
the men’s 5000m and 10,000m A Group events. He’s been consistent, he’s thrown
down some great times, and he’s looking like a legit threat to take down some
notable names at Worlds.
Peder Kongshaug –
This
Norwegian 1500m specialist has quickly proven he’s not as one dimensional as
some suspected. A great all round performance at Euros and a ridiculously quick
B Div 5000m race in Milwaukee has given the managers who drafted him some hope
that he might be able to pick up more than just a 3
rd
-4
th
place finish in the 1500m every weekend behind Stolz and Ning.
Cooper McLeod –
No
one saw this season’s breakout coming. In fact, one group of managers even
dropped this skater before the first World Cup as they rushed to pick up Gao.
But McLeod has quickly shown he can compete with the best of the best in the
500m and 1000m events. For the young American, it still feels like the sky’s
the limit.
Yukino Yoshida –
This
unsuspecting Japanese sprinter had a crazy good start to the year, winning a
500m at each of the first two World Cups. She’s since slowed her pace down a
bit, but she still sits in second in the classification and is on pace for a disgustingly
good season for a skater who started the year as a free agent in at least one
pool.
Andzelika Wojcik –
Basically
the same story as for Yoshida, but she’s ahead in the rankings and a bit less
Japanese. With 20/20 hindsight, the fact that a manager could have potentially stumbled
into drafting these two sprinters in the bench rounds of the draft is insane.
Davide Ghiotto –
It’s
no secret that this Italian hunk is good at skating and helping to propel his
teams to victory. But the huge world record bonus points along with the
majority of long distance points coming at World Champs means Ghiotto is already
racking points in and yet still has 75% of his season left (measured in points potential,
not races).
Sander Eitrem –
Seeing
what Sander has done this season, it’s pretty crazy to think that he was a 3
rd
round pick in some pools. His 5k has been stellar. His 10k great. His 1500m
highly competitive. On home ice at Worlds, I’m expecting a very significant
3-digit points haul from this still pretty young Norwegian lad.
Francesca Lollobrigida –
Strong,
multi-distance women are the safest bet in fantasy speed skating. But add in
the potential for gold medals, track records, and the bonus that they’re from a
(relatively) shitter country and so they don’t have to compete internally for
spots at Worlds? That is the ultimate recipe for success. The fact that most managers
picked up Lollobrigida, who hits all these criteria, in the 3
rd
and
4
th
round is insane.
Femke Kok –
There
was a lot of concern she might not race at all this year. Instead, she came
back after 2 World Cups and has since gone undefeated in the 500m. Tack on some
track records, a 2x500m World Record at Dutch Trials, a silver medal at
European Sprint Championships, and becoming the first woman to break 37 seconds
in Thialf in the 500m. It’s been an amazing two months for Femke and she’s set
to carry the teams who drafted her in the 3
rd
and 4
th
rounds to the finish line.
Crappy Tire Power Rankings
Now it’s time for the rankings. Once again, I didn’t have
the time for a big fancy team by team write up, so here are the naked rankings
in all their glory:
Top Cheddar
1
12.26,30 (+1)
2
Jim Park Fanclub (+1)
3
Cytomegalolobrigidavirus (-2)
4
Fat, Vegan, and on my Third Marriage (+5)
5
Water(b)oo (-1)
The Chase
6
Howe to Lose a Draft in 10 Days (+10)
7
The French Connection (+1)
8
Recreating Stolz in the Aggregate (-2)
9
Elisa Doula's Birthing Centre for New and
Expecting Moms (-4)
10
Team Angelfishies (+3)
11
I Ghiotto go straight to last place (+4)
12
Battle of the Matts: Matt L Sucks (+11)
13
Kim Possible's Posse: Two too Many Kims
(+5)
14
Jailin' this manager for not showing up on
Draft Day (+8)
The Pack
15
Citizenship Shopping (-3)
16
Jutta: Folie à Deux (+3)
17
Hannah Fontana: The Best of Both Worlds
18
That's So Raven's Cravings III: Is that
Chelsea Daniels or An-Nils-e van der Po(e)l? (-4)
19
Rank 1 Team (+10)
20
The Simpsons: Bart vs. the world (-10)
21
Only Blonde Asians (-10)
22
Bieberlicious (+10)
23
Joep can do it! (+5)
24
Dwightswinningteam (-17)
25
Nono mure losing (+6)
26
These boots were made for skating (-2)
27
Shinhammer-time (-2)
Playing to Lose
28
Jordan's Dirty Naruto Fetish: "Wait,
this isn't hentai?" (+6)
29
Even Stevens' Semen Eating Emins III:
Choking on LaBeouf (-8)
30
The Reeceroos (-10)
31
Golden SK8 (-4)
32
G-unit (+4)
33
Who do I have to marry to rig this draft?
(-7)
34
Lizzie McGuire's Quagmire: Divorcing the
Jet's backup goalie's half-brother (-1)
Emin Chasers
35
Kok Swings In’t Goetz Ruining Dijs Nuts
(+2)
36
Chung me up nonos coming in fast (+2)
37
Min Sun Came (+2)
38
De Jong picks (-8)
39
Wrecking Crew (-4)
The Basement
40
Graemer Fishsticks VII: Rage Against the
Machine Learning (Powered by AI)
Hopefully you aren’t too mad about the rankings. If
you’re unhappy with where I’ve put you, maybe it’s time to perform some free
agent style surgery to your roster. Or, better yet, maybe you should try
assembling a better team next year.
Racing resumes this weekend with World Cup 5 in
Poland, which means roster updates need to be in by 11:59 PM Mountain Time on
Thursday. I’ll be back before then with an update to the Free Agent and Injury
Trackers.
Best,
Dad