Welcome back, Shitters.
It’s been a long, long summer. Did you get sick and
tired of all those sunny days? I did. Did it seem like summer lasted forever? I
thought it did. Well, fear not – better days are just around the corner. A
Group races at World Cup 1 start in a matter of minutes, kicking off the fantasy
speed skating season. Alas, the wait is finally over!
I had big ambitious plans to start this season off on
the right foot, but I somehow ended up with one of those dreaded “jobs” that
non-skaters are always talking about and the busy period happens to be right
fucking now. So, fortunately for you all, I’ll be pretty brief today.
Back by popular demand, I’ll present the
Pre-Season Crappy
Tire Power Rankings
. I’ll also include the injury tracker in today’s column.
Unfortunately, no Free Agent Tracker today. Why, you ask? Cause I ran outta
damn time.
You can all expect a more in-depth article in the near(ish)
future about the draft. Quite a few interesting picks were left off the board
in a number of pools. We also saw a pretty significant difference between pools
in the rounds that some skaters were picked. It was (almost) without a doubt the
strongest draft we’ve seen, so I thought it warranted a proper breakdown.
But, I’m getting ahead of myself. For now, let’s get to
the important stuff.
Crappy Tire Power Rankings
The past few years I’ve done a cute little write up of
rankings, grouping teams into tiers and explaining to you idiots why most of
your teams are trash. Well, lucky for most of you, that’s all gonna have to
wait until the next update of the Crappy Tire Power Rankings. It may not be
happening today, but I WILL find the time to shit on your teams as soon as I’m
able.
As much as you all love my fluffy 15,000 word posts
where you have to scroll down for 8 minutes to find where your team landed
(kidding – it’s literally the only thing any of you fuckers complain about), you’ll
have to settle for the rankings in their raw form:
1 Paul+Jonah
2 Eric+Emil
3 Ryan
4 Anna+Emma+Maya
5 Cody
6 Simon
7 Dylan
8 Jordan
9 Matt L
10 Jenna
11 Matt Z
12 Max
13 Robert
14 Peter+Brooke
15 Joel
16 Taylor
16 Ben
18 Thomas
19 Rachel
20 Luca
21 Daniel
22 Charlotte
23 MCV
24 Kiersten+Hayleigh
25 Christian
26 Zach
27 Shawna+Kathy
28 Bon+Kieran
28 Ian
30 Reece
30 "Jalen"
32 Darby
33 Lindsey
34 Sofia+Greg
34 Cooper
36 Connor
37 Abby
37 Sam
39 Garrett
40 Jess
So there you have it. Do any of you realize how hard
it is for me to NOT comment on the rankings? Like how 7 managers in the bottom
10 are somehow from Manitoba? Or how Jordan logged onto Zoom for Draft Night
knowing a single skater (Michel Mulder of all people) and somehow ended up with
a Top 10 team? Maybe I could explain how Step-Dad and his super complex and
math-infused Skater Projection Model ended up as close to dead last without
being Jess or Garrett? Maybe I could even explain myself a bit and show how these
rankings are justified off vibes alone?
It's all coming, just not today.
Injury Tracker
Hendrik Dombek –
The
upcoming German mid-distance skater took a tumble at German trials and will be
taking the first two World Cups off to recover.
Kjeld Nuis –
He’s
going to the start line this weekend with whatever remains of his geriatric and sore groin.
Why is it sore? More on that below….
Femke Kok –
In
the most public setting possible (social media), Femke announced to the world
that Kjeld gave her herpes. Because of her diagnosis, she is not racing this
fall and hinted that she might never bounce back.
Joy Beune –
Well,
since the other two members of this love triangle made the injury tracker, why
not just toss Joy on here too? To be fair, she did end up missing the 3000m and
5000m races at Dutch trials after crushing out a 1500m on day 1. Her team said
she was suffering from “a fever”. That’s a pretty funny way to spell “herpes”.
Antoine Gelinas-Beaulieu
–
It seems that this Canadian stud is taking at least the Fall World Cups off. I’ve
heard rumours it’s mental health related. Whatever it is, we wish Tony all the
best.
Patrick Roest –
Yet
another titan from the Netherlands missed races at Dutch trials. The Dutch
media reported he was dealing with an “infected brain”. In English: he got his
wisdom teeth out and now baby boy has a headache. He’ll surely be ready for the
part of the season that comes after Christmas.
Sarah Warren –
Even
you idiots aren’t dumb enough to pick her, but I thought her reported 9
th
knee surgery was worth mentioning in this tracker.
Magdalena Czyszczoń –
She
had a surprisingly good season last year, moving up the rankings in the MS and 3000m.
She has announced she’s out for the Fall with an unknown diagnosis.
Qishi Li –
Dead?
Probably.
Jordy van Workum –
A
broken wrist is currently holding this guy back. If you don’t know him, that’s
fine. He’s just a typical Greg Bieber draft pick.
Hallgeir Engebraten –
It
appears that his asthma strikes again. He was good enough to crush a podium out
at World Allrounds last year, but is starting this season off very, very slowly.
Brittany Bowe –
We
thought her child-rearing years were behind her, but we are once again all
proven wrong by the super recent announcement of her latest pregnancy. Congrats
Brittany!
Whelp. That’s about all I’ve got time for tonight.
Racing kicks off very, very soon. The roster change deadline has already
passed, so hopefully you’ve got your bench sorted out already. Because of the
funky race times in Nagano, those of us living the dream in Mountain Time will
actually be able to watch some racing before bed the next few days. Happy World
Cup watching and best of luck to all managers this season!
Best,
Dad