Hello you slimy bastards,
Dad here again for a wee update. It looks like a few
of you have caught on to my sub-par editing standards and my loose relationship
with the truth. I’ve been called out a few too many times in the past week for
substantial errors in my column and y’all have pushed me to the limit. Did you
think you could all just gang up on me and there wouldn’t be repercussions?
Well, you’re wrong. Though yesterday’s column is still hot off the press, you’ve
inspired me to write another column and now you all have the distinct displeasure
of sitting through another couple hundred words of Dad’s hastily written ramblings.
A week or two ago I posted an ISU Fact Check and it
ended up going viral (eleven of you idiots read it, which is an incredible double-digit
milestone for this column). I called out the ISU for some super shitty writing,
but it looks like a quick look at my own work would have revealed some pretty
comparable errors. So, without further ado, I present to you a fact check of my
own work this past month.
Dad’s Column November Fact Check
Dad’s Claim 1:
“Marijke
Groenewoud finished 6th, meaning she’ll be headed to B Group for the 1500m at
World Cup 3.”
Dad’s Verdict:
FALSE.
Thomas, our resident expert on speed skating rules here at
fantasyspeedskating.com, let me know that the rule change for staying in A Group
had been changed going into the 23/24 season. I had thought that the top 5 were
now set to stay in A Group, but it turns out it is actually the top 6. This
means that Groenewoud should be in A Group at World Cup 3 in the 1500m, 5000m,
and mass start. I apologize for the error.
Dad’s Claim 2:
“One
of our Poll of the Week questions pitted the two Matt’s against each other and
every single one of you idiots picked the wrong Matt except for two managers:
Matt L… and Dad, who is clearly the only person in this league who thought
about the matchup for more than a nanosecond.”
Dad’s Verdict:
FALSE.
Matt Z correctly pointed out in the comments that he also picked Matt L to earn
more points at World Cup 2 and should be rightfully respected for his stupendous
choice. It’s not easy to bet against your own team, and it’s even harder to disagree
with Dad and still be right. Matt Z, I apologize for failing to realize how
smart you are and I am incredibly impressed by your
near
-perfect analysis
of the Matt vs Matt rivalry (more on that later).
Dad’s Claim 3:
“Looking
at the ISU’s 2022 Financial Report, they reported 285M Swiss Francs in Assets
and 35M Swiss Francs in Total Operating Income for 2022. That’s just shy of
half a million CAD in assets and an operating income of about 55 million CAD”
Dad’s Verdict:
ONE
TINY LITTLE TYPO. Stepdad took time out of his day to let me know that 285M
Swiss Francs is half a BILLION in CAD, not half a MILLION. Like, yeah, idiot,
of course it is. Go drink another keystone light and pass out in a back alley
while I try to feel bad about one eenie meenie little typo. Also, let it sink
in for a minute or two how filthy rich the ISU is.
Dad’s Claim 4:
“Cha
Min-Kyu, in a display of perfection, played the part of “A Group Shitter” to a
tee by finishing dead last.”
Dad’s Verdict:
FALSE.
If Cha was playing the role of A Group shitter perfectly, he would be staying
in A Group. He probably isn’t, so I guess I lied again. I’ll drop the “A Group”
and just say the following instead: “Cha Min-Kyu, in a display of perfection,
played the part of Shitter to a tee by finishing dead last.” I also realize that
the use of “perfection” and “to a tee” is a bit redundant, but I will never apologize
for making a stylistic writing choice that most would just consider to be bad English.
Dad’s Claim 5:
“Scotland
has produced almost zero good skaters (sorry Elise) and the country’s fanbase
is almost non-existent.”
Dad’s Verdict:
POSSIBLY
FALSE. I’m still not totally convinced that anyone in Scotland watches speed
skating, but I just checked and Eurosport actually holds the TV rights for
speed skating in the UK. Guess there’s slightly more fans than I thought (but
definitely still less Scots watching speed skating than there are speed skating
enthusiasts reading Dad’s Column). As for the comment about the quality of
their skaters, I’ll stand by that one for now.
Dad’s Claim 6:
“Femke
Kok, Hein Otterspeer, Marrit Leenstra, and Like A Million Other Skaters –
Everyone is getting sick.”
Dad’s Verdict:
FALSE.
TWICE!! Neither “a million other skaters” nor “everyone” is getting sick. Turns
out there are a lot less skaters than a million skaters on the circuit and even
fewer of them are sick. I’ll do my best to avoid such egregious hyperbole in
the future.
Dad’s Claim 7:
“Zach
Stoppelmoor… Is he worth picking up? Probably not yet.”
Dad’s Verdict:
TRUE.
This guys is still a shitter.
Dad’s Claim 8:
“Connor
Howe—one of the favourites for a podium spot and the current season time leader”
Dad’s Verdict:
FALSE.
Jordan Stolz skated a slower 1500m than Howe in his first race in Milwaukee but
then improved to 1.42.31 in his second 1500m in Milwaukee which does indeed edge
out Howe’s 1.42.34 by a margin of 3 hundredths. I also fact checked this one
before the original post and was just too lazy to change it, which is an honest
reflection of the level of effort I muster to write most of these columns,
And finally, here is one last outlandish claim, though
this time made by an idiot other than myself:
Matt Z’s Claim Regarding the Matt vs Matt
rivalry
: “quit trying to create a rivalry that doesn't exist”
Dad’s Verdict:
EGREGIOUSLY
FALSE. This league is FULL of rivalries, but few are as bloody and mean as this
one. I reached out to Matt L for a comment on this and he quickly claimed to be
the “Dominant Matt”. He said he’d easily run away with it after the first few
World Cups and that the other Matt was “a wannabe in sheep’s clothing”, “a
future Emin winner”, and “the worst thing to happen to this league since
Sky
Guy
won money”. Fighting words for a manager who finished second last
only a season ago and was the first-ever manager to lose by posting the fewest
points in our inaugural season. Overall, Matt L has the second worst record in
the league of any team that has been around since 2018. It’s only fair that
such a shitter would decide to pick on a league rookie. Looks like the rivalry
is on boys! Time to fight it out in the league standings! (and hopefully also in
the comment section for all of us to see)
I’ll leave it there for tonight. I hope I displayed an ample amount of journalistic integrity by trying to correct the record on some of the falsities I've spread. Sometimes I forget just how big of a platform this is, and with such wide-reaching readership comes a lot more responsibility than I'm willing to handle. So, on that note, expect a lot more of the same as we go forward. I encourage you to call out my errors in the comment section, but don't for a second think that I'll ever start properly editing my own work. I guess the ISU and I are actually quite similar, I just happen to be worth about half a billion dollars less.
Stepdad should be
stepping in to write another Stepdad Column either tomorrow or the day after, and
then I’m planning to be back with another post by the end of the week. See you
all in a few days!
Cheers,
Dad