Hello Managers,   Now that I’ve had a week to digest the results from the first two World Cups, the updated power rankings are finally ready to go. It’s been a harder season than normal to predict due to a couple of factors, most notably the size of the league this season. The World Cup skaters haven’t been making it easy either, with a pretty high number of high-profile skaters missing from World Cups early in the season. Things will really start to shape up after the next pair of World Cups passes, but for now I’ve worked with what we’ve got. To give y’all an idea of how many points qualifies as Good so far this season, I’ll start this column off with a quick list of the season’s Top 20 Skaters . Next up will be the fall update for the 2023/24 Crappy Tire Power Rankings , sponsored by Crappy Tire. I’ll then dissect some of the movement in my Power Rankings Analysis and explain some of the rationale for how certain teams ended up where they are now. Finally, if you make it to the end (or if you just quickly scroll past all the bullshit), I’ll take A Quick Look at the Upcoming World Cups and drop a couple of hints that may be helpful for those of you struggling to manage your bench.   Top 20 Skaters Here is a list of the league’s top 20 skaters so far this season, ranked by total points: 1 Kimi Goetz 130 2 Miho Takagi 95 2 Wataru Morishige 95 4 Jutta Leerdam 93 5 Patrick Roest 84 6 Ivanie Blondin 83 7 Erin Jackson 82 8 Ragne Wiklund 78 9 Kjeld Nuis 72 10 Tatsuya Shinhama 68 11 Mei Han 66 12 Zhongyan Ning 65 13 Jordan Stolz 62 14 Yuma Murakami 61 15 Femke Kok 59 16 Bart Swings 58 17 Valerie Maltais 57 18 Minsun Kim 56 19 Antoinette Rijpma-de Jong 55 20 Masaya Yamada 50 20 Qishi Li 50 As you can see, the separation between an elite top-8 skater and someone of a lower calibre is already starting to show. This highlights the importance of making a very good pick in the first round of the draft. You won’t usually win the draft with your first-round pick, but you can definitely lose the draft by making a blunder in the oh-so-important first round. This skater rankings list will also change drastically by season’s end. Take note of how many 500m skaters made the top 20—it will be a challenge for them to hold their rank with only two more double 500m World Cups and particularly after World Single Distance Championships’ one 500m event. Similarly, skaters who have missed a lot of races will be setup well to climb these rankings quick. Stolz is ranked 13 th despite missing one of the first two World Cups. If he skates the rest of the season, he looks primed to rival Goetz and Mommy Miho for the top spot. Groenewoud and Schouten, who also missed a World Cup, could springboard onto the top 20 list by the end of the fall too. Others, like Larry, Eitrem, Ghiotto and Horikawa, are well positioned to crack the top 20 in due time.   2023/24 Crappy Tire Power Rankings It’s now time to unveil the updated Power Rankings. Here is the latest list: 1.     Woj Yourself 2.     Jutta Leerdam and the Half-Blood Prins (+7) 3.     Goetz, Glory, Han (+3) 4.     Czech out my Sverre-y long and Rio hard (Enge)Bråt-wurst (+1) 5.     Graemer Fishsticks 6: Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 Ate Fishsticks (-1) 6.     Bloemen until you Get to the Top (+4) 7.     Glasgow Fast Turn Left (+7) 8.     Got Herzoggin’ on my Ting till I Werf 9.     Different Creatures, Same Habits (-7) 10. Pederfiles Won: the Bittner story of how Thomas Herzog Stolz his child bride (-7) 11. Is that a Beune in your team or are you just happy to see me? (-4) 12. 12pm public skaters ( -1) 13. That's So Raven's Cravings 2: Bot Baxton Caught Waxin' Raven’s Unshaven Contraption (-1) 14. From Kazakhstan with Love (+1) 15. Let’s Go Girls (+7) 16. Even Steven’s Semen Eating Emins 2: Eager Emin Receives Even Steven’s Peen Excretion (-3) 17. Mr. Andy’s Handy-Dandy up the Ante Speed Skating Squad, brought to you by God 18. The Momagers 19. Grand Theft Sato V 20. The Lolly-mom Gang (+3) 21. Joy to the World (+4) 22. Heir Jordan (-6) 23. DB’s Drunk Drivers (+1) 24. Rob’s Discount Blowjob: Longer, Limper, and more Tinter (-4) 25. COWS Pei ft. Connor Cowe, Bart Moolwerf, and Dairyman Zurek (+1) 26. Team swinging Jake paulers (+1) 27. I Have A Dream (-6) 28. Kim I Seok Kok? (+3) 29. Rookie Team (+1) 30. Valerie, please call me back (your RBC mentee) (-1) 31. God’s Hands (+5) 32. David, bosa’d my Huizinga 33. Hoping for a Miracle (+5) 34. OG Pearman (+1) 35. Had to look up half my team and can’t spell the other half #winningcombo (-7) 36. Paul Blart: Mall Llop (-2) 37. I am a Belieber (-4) 38. Jenning de B-group (+1) 39. I am speed (+1) 40. Gone Fishing For My Kok (-3)   Power Rankings Analysis Before you all get really worked up about what you think is a severe misunderstanding of the quality of your team, give me a chance to explain myself. These rankings are far from perfect, but there is indeed at least a little bit of thought that goes into them. So sit back down, unbunch your panties, unclench your teeth, and listen to Dad’s (hopefully adequate) explanation.   As always, we’ll be working with our five main groups: Top Cheddar The Chase The Pack Playing to Lose Emin Chasers   I’ll break these groups down, starting with the best of the best and slowly moving down the rankings until we finally arrive at the reincarnation of Sky Guy and his equally-bad-at-drafting-skaters daughter.   Top Cheddar The cream of the crop. The best of the best. The teams that look like they might actually win something this season. The teams that won’t be happy just to get their money back but want to be honoured in the Hall of Champions for eternity. If that’s not your team, then you won’t make it into this first category. Woj Yourself – Despite a shaky first World Cup without Groenewoud, this team made it through without too much damage and easily cracked the top ten teams for World Cup 2. Sitting just outside the top 10 right now in the real rankings, the combo of Leerdam, Groenewoud and Blondin is what is still setting this team apart from the rest. A solid cast of distance skaters sets this team up well for WSD, but the real test will be World Sprints/Allrounds—I expect this team to sail smoothly until at least the final weekend of the season. Jutta Leerdam and the Half-Blood Prins – I almost put this team in the Top Cheddar in the preseason rankings but was a bit worried about depth if any of the core skaters didn’t pan out. With the addition of Morozova and near-perfect starts to the season for Goetz and Nuis, this team is threatening to win it all. Fledderus might be carrying a bit too much weight and likely won’t be able sustain this pace for the season, but if Morozova or Kazuya Yamada pick things up then this team should stay high up in the rankings. Without much runway to go, I’ll limit this team’s climb to a 7-spot gain, tied with two other teams for most spots gained in this update. Goetz, Glory, Han – It feels bad leaving this team out of the top spot in the Power Rankings since they’ve won both World Cups and have gapped almost the entire league by over a hundred points. Takagi and Goetz have been outstanding so far and currently sit 1-2 in the skater rankings—perfect 1 st and 2 nd round picks up to this point. But that’s exactly what is holding this team back in the Power Rankings. Goetz and Takagi may be the two best skaters so far, but a few others on the team (Li, Han, Kilburg) have arguably been overperforming too. If this team stops being perfect, they may not be able to hold onto their lead. Maybe after another two weeks of racing we’ll have a better idea of how sustainable this looks. If things keep going their way, I have little doubt that this team will overtake the two other squads standing in their way. Czech out my Sverre-y long and Rio hard (Enge)Bråt-wurst – This team is proof that you don’t currently have to be in the top half of the league to land in the top tier of the power rankings. Currently ranked 23 rd , this team features a Morozova recovering from a deadly illness, a Dubreuil who is trying to get back to his level of the past two years, a Lollobrigida who hasn’t even skated yet and still has a massive question mark next to her name, and a 36-year-old Sablikova who essentially admitted that she’s washed up and was happy to just chase Wiklund down in her 3000m in Beijing. I don’t usually have a high level of confidence in my rankings and this placement is no different. But this is Dad’s team, so the spot near the top is sticking for now. Graemer Fishsticks 6: Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 Ate Fishsticks – Any team with Mommy Miho and Blondin, both perennial first-rounders, is likely in a good spot. Nuis and Sablikova are elite skaters who can help make up some serious ground late in the season and Kim Junho has established himself as a fantastic points earner on the World Cup circuit. What this team might lack is depth, though there is hope that both Aydova and Zurek turn things around quickly and Kojima makes a swift return to A Group in the 1000m. Bloemen until you Get to the Top – Roest is doing Roest things, Blondin is doing Blondin things, so it’s steady as she goes with this elite squad. Kok is off to a hot start, Ichinohe only has one bad race so far this season, and Bloemen has admittedly been super impressive. This team narrowly missed out on a spot in the Top Cheddar in the preseason rankings and has now proven it deserves to be compared to the best of the best. I also have no choice but to assume that this manager is taking his own team’s name’s advice. Daniel, never stop blowing men and you might just make it to the top. For now, though, I hope you’re happy with a very impressive 6 th . Glasgow Fast Turn Left – I had assumed that our first Scottish addition to the league would be a disaster. Scotland has produced almost zero good skaters (sorry Elise) and the country’s fanbase is almost non-existent. Yet, Coatbridge’s finest has somehow put together a team that is not only not embarrassingly bad but arguably even competitive. Now, it’s clear that Goetz is doing a lot of the heavy lifting here, along with outsized performances from Han and M. Yamada, but overall this team is actually shaping up to be pretty solid. Schouten will need to make up some ground and put up serious points in the latter half of the season and Weidemann’s early departure from the World Cup circuit is cause for concern, so there is a risk that things totally fall apart. But, if at least eight of the skaters on this roster can make it through the season, this team may just find themselves in the money come March. Got Herzoggin’ on my Ting till I Werf – This team did not have the prettiest first two weekends of racing but things are still looking ok. After putting up almost 200 points at World Cup 1, the wheels started to fall off and World Cup 2 was a big step backwards. Herzog has been far from impressive and Horikawa has struggled with illness. But with Stolz back in the lineup and Horikawa likely healthier, things look like they might be ok. Making up for Herzog’s failures is Gao who has officially returned to the World Cup Circuit in impressive fashion. This team isn’t in the clear yet, but a better performance at World Cups 3 and 4 looks likely.   The Chase Not all teams can be in the Top Cheddar . Lucky for you, if you didn’t make it into the top group that doesn’t mean your team sucks. The teams in the bottom three tiers would be lucky to crack the top 10 by the end of the season, but if you’re in The Chase then it means you’ve got a great chance at finishing in the money and an honest chance to win the whole damn thing. We’ve already seen three teams move up into the top tier from The Chase , so movement up to the top is far from unprecedented. If three teams moved up to the Top Cheddar, that also means that a few teams have been moved down into this tier. We’ll start with those and move down the list. Both Different Creatures, Same Habits and Pederfiles Won: the Bittner story of how Thomas Herzog Stolz his child bride dropped 7 spots and now sit at the top of The Chase . Is that a Beune in your team or are you just happy to see me? dropped fewer spots, but it was still enough to see them relegated to the second tier. All three of these teams have Vanessa Herzog and there is little doubt that this common thread is a drag on their rankings. Relatively slow starts for KMS, Kongshaug, and Krol aren’t helping either. Overall, these teams are featuring some very serious talent in the 500m, but teams structured this way need to give themselves a solid lead heading into the World Championship weekends and I’m just not seeing that separation yet. The one glimmer of hope that these teams can hold onto is the vast amount of managerial experience behind these teams’ benches. Collectively, the four managers running these three teams have 18 years of fantasy speed skating experience and three league titles. It’s this expertise and know-how that could help right the ship if things start getting rough (that being said, it was actually the manager of Different Creatures, Same Habits who was charmed by Masaya Yamada’s sorcerous spell and made the incredible blunder of trading off Mei Han to fit Yamada on his already-stacked roster. Had this trade not been made, Different Creatures, Same Habits would still be hanging out in the Top Cheddar ). Just a step behind those three veteran teams is 12pm public skaters , That's So Raven's Cravings 2: Bot Baxton Caught Waxin' Raven’s Unshaven Contraption , and From Kazakhstan with Love. None of these teams moved more than a spot since the preseason rankings. Each still sits well within striking distance of the top 10 in the power rankings and two of them have already hit that mark in the league rankings. Stellar early season results from Morishige, Han, and Horikawa are actively pushing these teams up the rankings while concerns surrounding Weidemann and Aydova are simultaneously pulling them down. Each of these teams also carries some baggage: Johansson, Bosiek, Dawson, and Wennemars aren’t projected to earn much (if anything) this season. For these teams to take a big step forward into the Top Cheddar , they will likely need things in the bottom half of the roster to start going in the right direction. The final three teams in The Chase are Let’s Go Girls , Even Steven’s Semen Eating Emins 2: Eager Emin Receives Even Steven’s Peen Excretion , and Mr. Andy’s Handy-Dandy up the Ante Speed Skating Squad, brought to you by God. The first has shot up the rankings into this tier, the second is still sitting comfortably at the bottom of The Chase after a relatively as-expected pair of World Cups, and the third team has kept their 17 th spot in the Power Rankings but has been moved up to this tier since I felt that the line dividing the good teams from the solid ones had moved down a bit (which is a good thing, because this means there are more good teams than I had originally anticipated). Both Let’s Go Girls and Mr. Andy’s Squad are currently sitting 3 rd and 6 th in the league standings, so these rankings may appear cruel for now. I’ll remind you though that these rankings are a year-long projection and less than 15% of the available points this season have been handed out already. That leaves A LOT of time for teams to drop a few spots.   The Pack This tier represents the big, meaty middle of the league. Almost a third of the league finds themselves at this level and, looking at the quality of picks found amongst these teams, it’s not bad company to be in. Unfortunately, the downside to being in this large, underwhelming group is that I won’t be going through every single team one by one—I got better stuff to do with my day. Nonetheless, I will discuss a couple of key teams moving around this group and to kick it off I’ll briefly talk about The Momagers . These mommies are currently sitting 4 th in the league standings and yet they find themselves down in the mushy middle of the Power Rankings. Last year I kept placing this manager duo in the top 5 of the Power Rankings despite their very strong lead in the league standings after the fall World Cups. I eventually crumpled due to outside pressure and put them at the top of my rankings, only to watch my previous #1 bet surge ahead and win the 2023/24 league title. So, long story short, I will not be fooled again. This team may be near the top of the standings but they will regress to the mean eventually. Sorry gals, this team just isn’t as good as you think it is (I can actually hear Kiersty’s voice in my head telling me how badly she wants to prove me wrong, and I actually cannot wait to be right (as (almost) always)). Heir Jordan is another team that might not be overly impressed with this rank. A top 5 finish at World Cup 1 was a dream start for this rookie manager but a 50% decrease in points at World Cup 2 sent this team tumbling to the middle of the league standings. I have no doubt that Stolz, Kok, and Eitrem will prevent this team from being truly bad at any point, but I’m baffled by the hype surrounding this team. One of our Poll of the Week questions pitted the two Matt’s against each other and every single one of you idiots picked the wrong Matt except for two managers: Matt L, who showed some incredible self-belief, and Dad, who is clearly the only person in this league who thought about the matchup for more than a nanosecond. Seriously guys, it’s time to get off this Matt bandwagon and go jump on the other one sitting nine spots higher in the power rankings and eleven spots higher in the league standings. The last two teams that I’ll shout out in this tier are Kim I Seok Kok? And Rookie Team . Both of these teams have crawled out of the depths of the rankings and have earned themselves a spot in The Pack. The first of these two managers is a veteran of the league who I’ve usually given a pretty hard time in the Power Rankings. The latter of these two teams is run by a manager who bailed Dad and the fantasyspeedskating.com crew out big time on Draft Night by subbing in for an absent manager super last minute. She’s also a rookie (as the team name clearly suggests). Being new to this league, having by far the least time to prepare, or being a manager who Dad consistently judges harshly are all barriers to success. Bravo for drafting slightly better teams than I expected. The full list of teams in The Pack is as follows: The Momagers ; Grand Theft Sato V; The Lolly-mom Gang; Joy to the World; Heir Jordan; DB’s Drunk Drivers; Rob’s Discount Blowjob: Longer, Limper, and more Tinter; COWS Pei ft. Connor Cowe, Bart Moolwerf, and Dairyman Zurek; Team swinging Jake paulers; I Have A Dream; Kim I Seok Kok? and Rookie Team.   Playing to Lose This fourth tier is a tough place to sit. You aren’t really in the running to win any money this season. You probably won’t win any of the other Choir Awards . You also aren’t even that likely to win an Emin Award either since there’s a whole other level of stinking trash below you. I would wager not much winning will be happening in this tier, neither the good winning nor the bad winning. But hey, winning isn’t everything. Some people are just here to have a bit of fun and by God I hope that’s true for the following six teams: Valerie, please call me back (your RBC mentee); God’s Hands; David, bosa’d my Huizinaga; Hoping for a Miracle ; OG Pearman; and Had to look up half my team and can’t spell the other half #winningcombo. Five of these six teams are run by managers in their first or second season. Most of the time, more years of experience drafting and understanding our points system leads to better results. It should come at no surprise that the majority of teams in the top two tiers are longtime members of this league. So if you’re down here this season, take it as a learning opportunity. One or two improved picks at the 2024 Draft Night and there’s no reason to doubt I’ll have you at least one or two tiers higher up next season. Unless your managing Hoping for a Miracle . If that’s the case, I don’t really know what to tell you. After two fantastic seasons in a row including a podium finish in 2022/23, it’s hard for me to wrap my head around how a dedicated manager with such an impressive track record could pick such a terrible team. The only slightly positive thing happening for this team is that some early roster changes have kept them out of the Emin Chasers … for now.   Emin Chasers I pity the teams that find themselves down here. You could argue that making a bad team is self inflicted, and to a certain extent I have no choice but to agree. You make the bad picks, you manage a roster poorly, you suffer the consequences in the rankings. But it seems that some managers just can’t help it. Maybe it’s a bad habit or an addiction—I am not a doctor so I ain’t too sure what the reason behind selecting a bad team would be. I do have a theory though: considering 40% of the Emin chasing teams are blood relatives, maybe there is a genetic factor to being bad at fantasy speed skating. Here are the five teams that have the honour of being absolute dogshit: Paul Blart: Mall Llop – For the second time in as many Power Ranking releases, my model has said this team should be dead last. For a pair of veteran managers aspiring to be the next league champions, this is not a good sign. Now, as much as I’ll make fun of the Czech Kid pickup on draft night, drafting such a niche, underground name means that these managers did at least some of their homework. Or maybe this is more like that time that Gibson tried to pick up a 15-year-old female Polish “10k skater” and then proceeded to get dummied for the rest of the season. I’ll continue to show at least a morsel of belief in these veteran managers by lovingly placing them a few spots out from the very bottom of the rankings for this update, but I doubt I’ll be this caring for long (especially after that ridiculous KMS free agent pickup… like really? You trying to make your best Mr. le Cup impression?). I am a Belieber – Picking bad skaters is a classic recipe to get your ass kicked in this league, and it appears that this manager is looking for an ass kicking. But if anyone could draft a miracle season or two (or three or even four) into existence, it’s this manager. Last season he made terrible picks and still managed to finish within the money and well ahead of Dad. Barely half his team were considered to be World Cup skaters, but by the end of the season most of them were World Cup medalist. Will he do it again? Masaya Yamada’s early success suggest it’s possible, but I seriously doubt the stars will align perfectly for two seasons in a row. Jenning de B-group – If we gave out points for team names, this team may not find itself as low as it currently sits. Unfortunately, points only go to good skaters and that is something this team is lacking. Tatsuya Shinhama is a fantastic skater, but you’re in a tough spot when he is projected to be the highest points earner on your team. Kiel, Dul, de Boo, and Diniz—a promising contingent of young, up-and-coming skaters with bright futures—likely won’t earn many points in the latter parts of the season and will hold this team back. Maybe this roster would look a lot better in a few years, but this league is about winning NOW and that is something I just don’t see happening for this team. I am speed – Leerdam, Shinhama, and Morishige will do their best to keep this team afloat, but there is a lot of dead weight dragging them down. Elisa Dul? B Group shitter. Tijmen Snel? B Group shitter. Chris Huizinga? B Group shitter in the making. Kim Min-Seok? Still drunk. On the bright side, team management gets really easy once half your skaters aren’t competing for points. If only their was an option to bench more than two at a time. Gone Fishing For My Kok – I honestly thought that having Jordan Stolz on your roster would be enough to keep a team out of the gutter, but this team has quickly proven me wrong (not that I’m ever actually wrong). Strangely enough, this bottom of the league roster is loaded with talent: Howe, Aydova, Krol, Otterspeer, Fish. If a few of these skaters can get their heads out of their asses, maybe this team actually has a chance at putting up a fight. But as long as this team is putting up 32-point weekends, they will be stuck lurking in the depths of the league.   A Quick Look at the Upcoming World Cups Looking ahead at the final two fall World Cups, it’s time to talk about team management for a bit. The World Cup 3 entry list has yet to be released, but early reports from Stavanger have given us some hints on what to expect over the next two weeks. First up, it’s important to know which events are scheduled for each of the coming World Cups. World Cups 1 and 2 had identical schedules but World Cup 3 will deviate from that schedule in two ways. First, there will only be one 500m event. If you’re torn between benching a pure sprinter or a middle-distance skater, this weekend may be the weekends you bench the sprinter. The second scheduling difference is that this weekend will feature the only women’s 5000m/men’s 10,000m events of the World Cup circuit. This can impact your team in a couple of ways. First, these events only have 12 people competing in A Group so a number of A Group skaters who usually earn points will be cut. Second, not everyone that races in the 3000m/5000m also races in the 5000m/10,000m events. The Dutch team is incredibly competitive and many skaters failed to qualify to represent their country in both long distance events. Other skaters have a history of skipping out on the longest event, such as Sverre Lunde Pedersen (who unfortunately no longer has his trusty ol’ sidekick Ole Bjørnsmoen Naess to step in and take the hit for him). In the same way that skaters will be missing from A Group in the long-distance events this coming weekend, some skaters will be added to A Group thanks to wildcard eligibility. I won’t do all of your homework for you, but there are currently three Dutch 10,000m skaters who could pull this stunt if they choose to. We’re also getting to that time of the year where Dutch skaters stop showing up to World Cups and start focusing on Dutch World Champs Trials which are set to take place right after Christmas. As far as I can tell, only Beune and Diniz will be taking the early rest and missing World Cup 3. The list of Dutch absentees for World Cup 4 looks to be a lot longer and impactful: Leerdam, Rijpma-de Jong, Scheperkamp, Verbij, Krol, and Huizinga. This list may change as we approach the racing weekends. Whenever a Dutch skater skips out, someone stands to benefit. Their federation will always try to fill quota, so I expect the following skaters to add a few extra events to their schedule: Otterspeer, Dul, Kiel, Verkerk, and M. de Jong (no guarantee she’s remembered how to skate though… fall trials were bad for her). Finally, scouts have reported sightings of Lollobrigida in Stavanger, along with her baby and mom. If there is still only one women’s mass start event at World Cup 3 or 4, she will be able to skate in the final for fantasy points right off the hop. For any other distance she will have to start in B Group.   That just about does it for today, folks. Racing resumes this coming Friday, December 1 st . I don’t know the exact time yet, but usually Friday races in Europe end up starting around 10am MST. Regardless of the start time, all free agent pickups and active roster updates need to be in by 11:59 PM Calgary Time on November 30. Best of luck setting your team up for success for the second half of the fall World Cups!   Cheers, Dad