Hello speed skating enthusiasts,
Dad here with a quick pre-World Cup 2 column. If you’re
looking for some insightful commentary that could help your teams, sucks to be
you (or just scroll down a bit (but you’re also probably reading this too late
for that to help(sorry))). I just thought I’d post a quick column bashing the
ISU for their inability to post an error-free article on their speed skating
page.
I don’t usually browse through the ISU webpage other than
to check World Cup results, but I stumbled across an article earlier today and
was astounded at the quality of the post. I had just got home from a long day
at work, sat down on the couch and opened my laptop to satisfy my need for
speed skating content. It turns out the ISU webpage was the wrong place to
look.
The articles found on the ISU website are horrendous. A
simple read through one or two of them and you will quickly realize how
laughable their editing process is. I wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t even
bother to edit them at all. Considering how much money the ISU has*, you would
expect them to produce much better media. We don’t edit our content here at FantasySpeedSkating.com
either, but at least we don’t pretend to produce anything beyond hot-take opinion
pieces, satire, and speed skating erotica.
(*Looking at the ISU’s 2022 Financial
Report, they reported 285M Swiss Francs in Assets and 35M Swiss Francs in Total
Operating Income for 2022. That’s just shy of half a million CAD in assets and
an operating income of about 55 million CAD. At the time I am writing this, FantasySpeedSkating.com
is exactly $3.66 in debt and is projecting a total operating income for 2023 of
about $80. A bit of a David vs Goliath comparison, but y’all let me know in the
comments which of these two organizations you get better speed skating content
from.)
I decided to go through a couple of articles
posted to the ISU website over the past two weeks and fact check a bunch of
their claims. For those of you who read these articles (which I hope isn’t many
of you), I doubt you’ll find the verdicts very shocking.
10 Bold ISU Claims in November 2023
ISU Claim 1
:
“With three gold medals and two bronze, Irene Schouten (NED) was the speed
skating queen of Beijing 2022”
Dad’s Verdict
:
FALSE. Schouten only competed in four events, so a five-medal haul would have
been pretty fucking incredible.
ISU Claim 2
:
“For the first time in four years, Asia welcomes the international Speed
Skating elite”
Dad’s Verdict
:
FALSE. Has the ISU already forgotten the 2022 Beijing Olympics?
ISU Claim 3
:
“this season’s Obihiro World Cup proved that Stolz too, is not invincible”
Dad’s Verdict
:
FACT. But this is hardly news to anyone with more than single digit braincells.
Also, how fucking bad is that comma?
ISU Claim 4
:
“In [Schouten and Groenewoud’s] absence, Miho Takagi (JPN) crushed the rest of
the field in the 1500m”
Dad’s Verdict
:
MISLEADING. Thought this isn’t quite a lie, it’s a pretty misleading statement.
Groenewoud has only ever beat Miho in a 1500m once in her life and Schouten isn’t
competing in the distance this fall. If Schouten beats Miho in the 1500m at WC2,
I’ll eat my shoe.
ISU Claim 5
:
In the Mass Start, “Reina Anema (NED) did well as [a] substitute”
Dad’s Verdict
:
FALSE. She finished 17
th
. Had there been semi-finals like in past
seasons, she wouldn’t have even been in the final. She lost to Ramona Hardi, Josephine
Heimerl, Laura Lorenzato, Jin Wenjing, Giorgia Birkeland, and Chen Aoyu—hardly an
inspiring group of competitive speed skaters. In what world is finishing behind
that field of skaters considered to be “doing well”??
ISU Claim 6
:
Dad’s Verdict
:
FALSE. Short Track? SHORT TRACK?? Do they not even know what damn sport they
are writing about? (Also, that is so clearly the long track schedule).
ISU Claim 7
:
“In the 5000m, Roest may run into Jordan Stolz (USA), who is the only skater to
race all the classic distances on the Obihiro program”
Dad’s Verdict
:
FALSE. Roest may be the only male doing a full slate of classic distances, but
he is not the only skater. Beatrice Lamarche was actually signed up for the
500-1000-1500-3000 combo. Though she ended up withdrawing from the 500m, she
was on equal footing with Stolz when this article was published the day before
the World Cup started so I have no choice but to classify this as false. The
Stolz-centric media is starting to get ridiculous.
Dad’s Alternate Verdict
:
FACT. But only if you interpret the sentence this way: Roest may run into Stolz
from behind while lapping him because that Stolz guy was way outta his league
in the A Group 5000m.
ISU Claim 8
:
“America’s fourth engine, Joey Mantia (USA), retired last summer”
Dad’s Verdict
:
FALSE. Joey was on ice all last fall and was even registered to race the mass
start at the Four Continents Championships in Quebec before scratching last
minute. You can’t retroactively retire just because you’re scared to get beat
by a bunch of shitters.
ISU Claim 9
:
“With the addition of the Mixed Gender Relay, the ISU World Cup Speed Skating
program features an exciting new competition”
Dad’s Verdict
:
FALSE. The post-race drama and antics from the Canadian and Dutch skaters was
pure entertainment, but the event itself cannot possibly be described as “exciting”.
Maybe try “ridiculous” or “dogshit” instead.
ISU Claim 10
:
“[Davide Ghiotto] was en route to win last year’s long distance World Cup
ranking when he was disqualified for an irregular change up with Norway’s
Sander Eitrem (NOR) in the concluding race of the series in Tomaszów Mazowiecki
(POL). Ghiotto took revenge a few weeks later when he won the 10,000m title in
Heerenveen”
Dad’s Verdict
:
PARTIAL TRUTH. Yes, he may have eventually taken ‘revenge’ in the 10k in
Heerenveen, but not before first taking revenge on Eitrem’s poor coaches by
means of verbal assault (also included was an assault on a garbage can and a
number of benches during the climax of his ridiculous temper tantrum that Dad
will NEVER forget) (Also, can we even call it revenge if the initial DQ was self
inflicted? Revenge on the officials? Revenge on himself? Now I’m wondering if
Dai Dai Ntab will ever get revenge on himself after double false starting at
the 2018 Dutch Olympic Trials?)
ISU Bonus Claim
:
“…with celebrity boyfriend and professional boxer Jake Paul in the stands”
Dad’s Verdict
:
TRUE (Maybe? Probably? I’m not an expert.) Unlike the rest of these “facts”
that I have allegedly been “checking”, I did actually have to look this one up.
Lo and behold, my reliable and trustworthy source Wikipedia told me that Jake
Paul turned professional in January 2020 by beating the YouTuber AnEsonGib via
TKO in the first round. He then went on to beat a retired basketball player in
a fight. This doesn’t sound suspiciously amateur at all. Maybe this means I can
call myself a professional blogger?
Well, I feel better after getting that one off my
chest. If any of you ever want an outlandish ISU claim fact-checked, send it to
me at
Dad@fantasyspeedskating.com
and I’d be glad to do the honours.
Now, if any of y’all made it this far and World Cup 2
has not yet started, here’s a bit of a sneak peek at the weekend ahead.
A Very Quick Look at the World Cup 2
Starting Lineup
Jordan Stolz is not currently on the entry list and
reports say he is already in Europe and will be taking the week off racing.
Oddly enough, is teammates Irene Schouten and Marijke Groenewoud
are indeed back at World Cups. Marijke won’t quite be skating a full slate as
her rank last season wasn’t high enough to be able to wildcard into the women’s
3000m event.
The return of the two Dutchies means that Esther Kiel
will be losing her spots in both the mass start and the 3000m. She will still
be racing the 1500m but earned zero points in that event last week. Don’t keep
her on your active roster if you’re expecting her to perform similarly this
week.
Ryota Kojima did not travel to China with the Japanese
team and will not be racing the 1000m.
With skaters like Stolz and Kojima out of the picture,
Skaters who had a rough first week will be able to hold onto their A Group
spots in the mid distances. This includes Laurent Dubreuil in the 1000m and
Antoine Gelinas-Beaulieu in the 1500m.
Tingyu Gao is officially on the start list for the
500m. He will have to start in B Group but should be able to make it into A
Group for the second 500m event.
Antoinette Rijpma-de Jong will only be racing the
1000m and 1500m. She placed 3
rd
in the 3000m last week but those 15
points will not be available for her again this weekend.
Marcel Bosker will also be losing his long-distance
event spot and will only be racing the mass start, an event that he is apparently
quite bad at.
Koki Kubi is back on the World Cup circuit and ready
to shred. Shockingly, he is still available as a free agent in all five pools.
Miho Takagi is signed up to skate a 3000m. Will this
last beyond this weekend? Unlikely, but the thought of her adding a third
distance to her World Cup repertoire has some of the managers who drafted her
frothing at the mouth (aka me). My best guess is that she is just getting an
early time in the 3k to qualify for World Allrounds (similar to Martina Sablikova
in the 1500m last week).
Hein Otterspeer is not listed in the 500m pairs, so it
seems he may be taking the weekend off. Since he was originally on the entry
list, this is likely due to an injury or an illness. If he does skate the 2
nd
500m event he will likely be in B Group.
Similarly, Femke Kok is not in the first 500m event. Helga
Drost made it into B Group in Kok’s place so, once again, this is likely an injury
or illness. Due to the number of skaters scratching, it seems that some
sickness is going around the World Cup community right now.
Still no sign of Francesca Lollobrigida, but rumours
are surfacing that she is expected to make her season World Cup debut when the
circuit heads to Europe for WC3 and 4.
If you participate in our Poll of the Week challenge,
I strongly recommend betting on Matt L rather than Matt Z in the battle of the
Matts. Though Matt Z thrashed Matt L this past weekend, Matt Z has Stolz, Kok,
and Kiel on his roster, and the latter two are likely going to be active this
weekend. On the flip side, Matt L is going to be able to skate Groenewoud and
Yamamoto this weekend. I’m no expert, but I think the 40-odd point difference between
them could have been closed by just one or two of those active roster changes.
All five happening at once likely sets up Matt L for a bounce-back weekend (not
that his first World Cup can even be described as bad) while Matt Z is probably
going to tumble down the rankings very quickly this week.
Finally, I know half this column was about other people not editing their work, but I just whipped this up real quick and don't have time to edit. Please forgive me if this column ends up being a bit hypocritical.
I think that’s just about all I got in me for today.
World Cup B Group kicks off in about an hour and A Group starts late tonight if
you’re in Canada. If WC2 is anything like the opening weekend then we should be
in for a real treat.
Happy World Cup watching!
Cheers,
Dad