Hello speed skating enthusiasts,
Most of this season’s points have been paid out, but
we do still have one more weekend of racing left. Though World Sprint and
Allround Championships won’t be as make-or-break as World Singles was, this is
still by far the second biggest weekend of the year. Each race is worth regular
World Cup points, but every skater is racing 3-4 times. In addition, the final
classification for each of sprints and allrounds is worth double points.
So what could this mean for you and your team? At the
last World Sprints/Allrounds, the top 7-8 or so skaters cleared 100 points while
the top 20 cracked 60 points. Depending on who you have on your team, this can
add up super fast. At World Cups, clearing 40 points is usually reserved for
the top skaters. At World Sprints/Allrounds, this becomes the norm.
Since I posted a few other columns this week
(including updates to the trackers), this post will only include the updated
Power Rankings. Let’s just get right into it.
2023-2024 Crappy Tire Power Rankings –
Final Update
Only two weekends of racing have gone by since the
last Power Rankings update, but the league standings have changed considerably.
Even though it’s only been two weekends of racing, those two weekends include a
World Cup, the 2x final World Cup Classification payout, and the 4x World
Championships points. That is a fuckton of points in a short period.
To put this change into perspective, the top team had
1080 points during the last rankings update. Right now, only one teams has
less
than 1080 points and the other 39 teams have cleared 1100. The top team has
2545 points and almost half the league has over 2000 points. Considering the
massive difference in points, I expected the latest update to feature some
pretty huge swings. Surprisingly, 80% of the league moved less than five spots. The
most movement was 10 spots, but both the teams that achieved this did so under
pretty impressive circumstances. One team moved down 10 spots because they
benched Patrick Roest and Kimi Goetz at Worlds. I did not expect this
unorthodox strategy when doing the last rankings and, to be honest, I’m
surprised they didn’t move down even lower. Another team went up 10 spots. This
team has Stolz, Kok, Fish, and Howe – all skaters who significantly
overperformed during the last two weekends of racing relative to their previous
points pace.
For anyone that read Post #16, it’s pretty clear that
most teams made mistakes at World Champs when they set their roster. On top of
that, lots of skaters let their teams down by either forgetting how to skate (that
Shinhama 500m…) or even by pulling out of most of their races (a classic but
still frustrating Hallgeir maneuver). The immense amount of 20/20 hindsight
fuckups and letdowns were shockingly spread out. This actually limited most
teams from making a huge break through the rankings since almost no team made
it through Worlds unscathed. The even distribution of errors and setbacks has
resulted in what is easily this league’s closest battle for a money spot that
we have ever seen. With WSD behind us, 15 teams are all in very strong
positions to battle for a top-10 spot and only a single team is arguable
uncatchable. Let’s see who these teams are.
I’ll start by posting the full
Crappy Tire Power
Rankings
and then I’ll break up the teams into their usual groups. I’ll
also do a quick breakdown of all the teams in a realistic spot to earn
money.
2023-2024 Crappy Tire Power Rankings –
Final Update
1. Pederfiles
Won: the Bittner story
2. Czech
out my Sverre-y long Bråt-wurst (+1)
3. From
Kazakhstan with Love (+3)
4. Joy
to the World (+1)
5. Heir
Jordan (-1)
6. Goetz,
Glory, Han (-4)
7. Let’s
Go Girls
8. The
Momagers (+7)
9. Got
Herzoggin’ on my Ting till I Werf (+7)
10. Woj
Yourself (-2)
11. Is
that a Beune in your team? (-2)
12. Graemer
Fishsticks 6 (-1)
13. Glasgow
Fast Turn Left
14. Bloemen
until you Get to the Top (-2)
15. Had
to look up half my team (+3)
16. Mr.
Andy’s Speed Skating Squad God (-6)
17.
Even Steven’s Semen Eating Emins 2 (+2)
18. That's So Raven's Cravings 2 (-1)
19. Hoping for a Miracle (+7)
20. COWS Pei (+4)
21. Jutta Leerdam and the Half-Blood Prins (-7)
22. Kim I Seok Kok? (-2)
23. Rob’s Discount Blowjob
24. DB’s Drunk Drivers (+3)
25. Jenning de B-group (-4)
26. Gone Fishing For My Kok (+10)
27. Grand Theft Sato V
(+1)
28. Valerie,
please call me back (your RBC mentee) (+1)
29. Paul
Blart: Mall Llop (+2)
30. Team
swinging Jake paulers (+3)
31. 12pm
public skaters (-6)
32. The
Lolly-mom Gang (-10)
33. I
am a Belieber (-3)
34. I
Have A Dream (-2)
35. David,
bosa’d my Huizinga
36. Different
Creatures, Same Habits (+1)
37. God’s
Hands (-3)
38. Rookie
Team (+1)
39. I
am speed (+1)
40. OG
Pearman (-2)
And now, let’s break these teams up into their groups.
Most of the groups are the same that we started with and have been using the
past few years, though the number of groups has slowly grown to reflect what is
happening in the league.
Too Gouda to be Top Cheddar
If you’re like me, you probably don’t like cheddar
cheese too much. The colour is off-putting, the texture funky, and, unless
melted, the taste isn’t even good. Gouda, on the other hand, is delicious and simply better in every way. The only team in this category is just like
gouda – better in every way. They have lots of points and will continue to earn
lots of points at World Sprints/Allrounds.
Here is the only member of this group:
Pederfiles Won: the Bittner story of how
Thomas Herzog Stolz his child bride –
Stolz is the
obvious anchor to this team, but he ain’t the only one carrying weight. Beune,
Shinhama, Herzog, and Liiv will all earn respectable points at Worlds.
Engebraten should too, and if he isn’t racing then Kongshaug will likely be the
one who steps in for him. I’m not even expecting Ning to race, but if he does
then that will make it even easier for this team to hold their large lead.
Top Cheddar
Other than the top team, the rest of the top 10 is
still to be decided. These next seven teams all have a very, very high chance
of finishing in the money and the top five in this group are all but guaranteed
a spot in the top 10. That being said, the order is much less certain and any
major blunders or enough unluckiness at the last competition could cause a few
of these teams to fall below the threshold of 10
th
.
Here are the seven teams that make up the
Top Cheddar
:
Czech out my Sverre-y long and Rio hard
(Enge)Bråt-wurst
– The last few seasons have been a tough
stretch of me thinking my teams are good and then finding out I was wrong. The
Russian ban in early 2022 was devastating, Bergsma missing almost a full season
to injury was tough luck, as was Herzog missing the Olympic year. But this is
fantasy sports and these unpredictable events are part of what makes this all
so fun. This season, Lollobrigida and Morozova’s early disappearances had me
thinking things were headed the same way as the last two seasons, but somehow
my motley crew of relatively ugly but talented skaters seems to have held up
decently well.
From Kazakhstan with Love
–
Han and Maltais have been phenomenal this season and are the main factors
helping this team move from 15
th
in the first power rankings to a
spot on the podium. These two will be going to Worlds as part of a very strong
roster including Roest, Kok, Ghiotto, de Boo, and possible Kongshaug. Not many
teams will be able to match that firepower.
Joy to the World
– No other team has impressed more since the initial power rankings than this
one. I originally had them at 25
th
, not even good enough to be in
the top half. Schouten, Beune, Ning, Swings, and Jackson form one of the
stronger cores in the league, while Chung and Liiv have provided exceptional
depth scoring. Even the deadweights on the team, McLeod and Howe, have had
moments of greatness. The recent addition of Tian for World Sprints just makes
this good roster even better.
Heir Jordan –
Other
than Stolz, I was pretty uncertain about how good this team would be. They’ve
fluctuated back a forth a lot more than other teams due to the swings in
performance that each skater has suffered. Eitrem was great, then missed a lot,
then great. Kok was good, then fell at trials, and now she’s one of the best skaters on
the circuit. De Boo was a nobody, then a somebody, then a nobody, and now has a
chance to be a somebody again. Bowe, Giovannini, Nonomura, Dijs, and In ‘t Hof
have all had very mixed seasons, but each of them put up points when
they were needed. Though half the team won’t be racing at Worlds, the top end
is just too strong to count out.
Goetz, Glory, Han
–
This team was the gold standard through the first half of the season but has
since suffered a series of losses. Qishi disappeared, Goetz and Miho took a
couple races off late in the World Cup season, Kazuya stopped earning points,
Murakami and Kilburg had uncharacteristically bad WSDs, and now Bosker has
ended his Dutch Allround Trials early due to mental health concerns. Despite
the losses, this team still has a strong core, a lot of banked points, and
enough potential at World Sprints/Allrounds to stay near the top of the
standings.
Let’s Go Girls
–
Usually teams loaded up with North Americans perform poorly, as made clear by
Dad’s Column Post #10. This team is proving that that’s not always the case. Non-North Americans Groenewoud and Beune are clearly helping this anomaly happen, while Bosiek and
Rio Yamada have provided above-average depth scoring. But Goetz, Jackson, and
Bowe have shown that not all North American-focused teams are dragged down by their North Americans, even if the team around them is strong. McLeod and Hiller are also doing there best to prove this, just much
less effectively.
The Momagers –
For
a team that held steady at 18
th
for three consecutive power rankings
and then barely made it into the bottom of the chase in the last rankings, the
previous two competitions could not have gone better. Beune, Dubreuil,
Weidemann, Chung, and Kojima all picked up their points pace significantly,
while Eitrem and Malfatti held pretty even. When Jackson and Morishige are the
skaters underperforming, you know you’re in a good place. The sneaky addition
of Grevelt for World Sprints could prove to one of the better free agent
pickups for the final leg of the season.
The Chase
The chase has become a tad bit smaller as the top 15
teams begin to pull away from the rest of the league. Six of these next seven
teams have cracked the top 10 at some point this season, so most of these teams
have been in the fight since the very beginning. If every team above
The
Chase
manages to keep their lead, this means these seven teams are battling
it out for only two spots in the money. That doesn’t leave a lot of room for
error. To make matters even worse, the projected points for these teams are
incredibly close. According to my model, every team within
The Chase
falls into a tight 59-point spread. In other words, one savvy free agent pickup
(or a fall at Worlds) is pretty much all that is separating every one of these
teams. If you’re in this group and you still have a free agent slot, I highly
suggest you use it (and make sure you use it wisely).
The teams in
The Chase
are:
Got Herzoggin’ on my Ting till I Werf
–
The Gods gave this team a massive head start by awarding this manager the first
overall pick, which means this team has Stolz. That’s the lucky half, and it
happens to be the more important half. The rest of the team is just barely good
enough to keep this team competitive: Herzog had a really underwhelming season,
Gao ended his season months ago, Sablikova just had ankle surgery, Bergsma didn’t
even make the World Cup team, Horikawa and Magnussen were both good for literally
one weekend all year. When you have Stolz, I guess that all constitutes as “good
enough”.
Woj Yourself
–
For
the team that held the top spot in these rankings during the Fall World Cups,
the fall down to
The Chase
might feel like a pretty big loss. Leerdam
has failed to live up to her status as a consensus overall top-3 pick, though Blondin
and Groenewoud are some of the best 2
nd
and 3
rd
round
picks in the league. Bowe, Engebraten, and Nonomura were essentially invisible at
WSD while Johansson and Wojcik have been nearly invisible all season. Despite
the letdowns, this team still has a hell of a lot of firepower and stands a
good chance at getting back into the top 10 right at the end of the season.
Is that a Beune in your team or are you
just happy to see me?
–
Maltais
and Beune have been fantastic for this team and, had everything else gone as
planned, could have easily set this team up for yet another podium finish. But KMS
took a bit too long too heat up, Herzog has struggled all season, and Jackson, Jun-Ho,
and de Boo all chose to save their worst races for the most inconvenient times.
Hoolwerf, Malfatti, and Fledderus formed a very capable depth core, but the
stars on this team just never pulled the weight demanded of them. It’ll be
close for this team—8
th
seems just as likely as 12
th
. But
with no more free agent pickups and Fledderus narrowly missing out at Dutch Sprint
Champs, this team really needs as close to eight skaters as possible to show up
in two weeks. If Jun-Ho skates, that could be enough to push the team over the
line. If Jackson or KMS or anyone legitimately good stays home, hope is probably
lost.
Graemer Fishsticks 6: Why was 6 afraid of
7? Because 7 Ate Fishsticks
–
Bosker
and Sablikova missing out on World Allrounds is a tough bit of luck at this
point in the season, but Nuis heading to World Sprints in top form could be
enough to make up for the loss. Mommy Miho and Blondin are some of the surest
points in the league, but the rest of this team is a wildcard: Zurek, Kojima,
Aydova, Jun-Ho, and Dombek. Do they all race? Are they on the podium? Are they
even top 15? Each of these skaters could swing pretty far in both directions,
though a few clutch performances from even just 2-3 of these could be enough.
If Jun-Ho stays home, Aydova stays injured, and Dombek stays meh, top eight
finishes for Kojima and Zurek may still be enough to keep this team in the top
10.
Glasgow Fast Turn Left
–
Imagine
if this manager didn’t bench Weidemann at Worlds Championships? He’d be sitting
comfortably in the
Top Cheddar
, worrying less about
if
he’ll be
making any money but rather
how much?
Schouten ending her season early
is a real dagger, but her massive points haul at WSD was what got this team
into the top 10 in the first place. With roughly 100 points on 10
th
place, there is a bit of a buffer. Now it’s up to Han, Goetz, Ghiotto, Giovannini,
and Pearman to hold the line and earn just enough to keep this team from
falling more than three spots.
Bloemen until you Get to the Top
–
This
manager failed to blow enough men to make it to the very top. But, for his efforts,
he’s at least been rewarded a crack at finishing 8-10
th
and winning his money back. Roest, Femke, and Blondin will put up good points this weekend. Bowe, Manganello,
Bosiek, and Wojcik should all help—if they race. Sitting 20 points back from a
money spot right now, all he needs is one freak silver medal from The Woj or one
last solid World Sprints run from Bowe and this team could crawl into the top
10 at the last possible moment.
Had to look up half my team and can’t
spell the other half #winningcombo
– I don’t usually judge
manager’s moves wrong, but when I do, I judge them
very
wrong. By the
third day of the season, this manager had used both their free agent swaps,
choosing to toss 3
rd
round pick Morozova along with Michalski for
Malfatti and Dombek. At the time, this looked braindead. But then Morozova
disappeared, Michalski failed to bounce back, and Malfatti and Dombek turned
last year’s combined 0 points into a clean 268 points with the second biggest
weekend of the season still to be raced. After reaching a low of 35
th
in the Power Rankings, this team is legitimately putting up a fight to finish
in the money. I have nothing to say but “holy fuck I was wrong about this team”
and “congrats?”
The Pack
This next group of teams showed up to play this
season. Maybe a pick or two didn’t pan out, maybe you got unlucky with an
injury, or maybe you made a roster/bench mistake at a critical moment. Either way,
this just wasn’t your year. But this doesn’t mean you don’t have a good team,
and the future looks promising for these managers. 40 teams is A LOT and, if
you do the math, most of us can’t finish in the top 10. Some teams will get
some money, some will embarrass themselves, and the majority will end up
somewhere in the middle. This is that majority.
The teams currently sitting in
The Pack
are:
Even Steven’s Semen
Eating Emins 2: Eager Emin Receives Even Steven’s Peen Excretion
That's So Raven's
Cravings 2: Bot Baxton Caught Waxin' Raven’s Unshaven Contraption
Hoping for a Miracle
COWS Pei ft. Connor Cowe,
Bart Moolwerf, and Dairyman Zurek
Jutta Leerdam and the
Half-Blood Prins
Kim I Seok Kok?
Rob’s Discount Blowjob:
Longer, Limper, and more
DB’s Drunk Driver
Jenning de B-group
Gone Fishing For My Kok
Grand Theft Sato V
Playing to Lose
Some of us are playing to win, but most of us are
playing for fun. I hope these teams had fun, but they may have been too busy
playing to lose. In a league with more loser than winners, I guess you could
say these teams are average…?
All of these teams are either first or second year
managers. Oh, wait, is that Thomas’s team?
Really? One of the league organizers and a top-4 finisher in each of the
last two seasons? All the way down here?? What a loser! Oh, jeez, and how could
I miss Eric and Emil’s team? Those two definitely aren’t rookie managers. And
they had Stolz this year?! How did they fuck up so bad?
To the newer managers in this category: This is a fine
place to be. Some of us are playing for our 6
th
season and those
years of experience count for a lot. This was your first season with 2x 500m
events and your first season with World Sprints/Allrounds. These are massive
changes to the race schedule that impact the league in so many ways. As you
keep playing, navigating the schedule and the draft will become easier and
easier. Maybe you were too busy medalling at World Juniors to change your
roster. Or maybe you have a real job and real life got in the way of this real
fantasy league. These are valid excuses and hopefully they don’t discourage you
from joining us again next season.
To Thomas, Eric, and Emil: Really guys? Were you
trying to embarrass yourselves? Cause you did, and you’ll likely never live
this year down. I’m REALLY close to calling the
Emins
the
Emils
from here on out…
One last thing jumps out at me. The teams from here to
the end all have relatively short names. Take out Bon’s team and they’re all four
words or less. Even if we include Bon’s team, he’s still ranked ahead of all
these teams and the average name length (in words) from here to the end is 3.6.
For the top half of the league, this number is 7.8. There is zero chance that this is just
a coincidence.
The teams currently in
Playing to Lose
are:
Valerie, please call me
back (your RBC mentee)
Paul Blart: Mall Llop
Team swinging Jake
paulers
12pm public skaters
The Lolly-mom Gang
I am a Belieber
I Have A Dream
David, bosa’d my Huizinga
Emin Chasers
Someone has to get shit on every year. From the bottom
of my heart, I thank each and every one of you for offering up your team as a
noble sacrifice. Oh, you’re telling me you were trying? Oof. Try harder next
year.
It’s pretty crazy to me who ended up in this group.
Two of these team are rookies, and rookies largely get a pass their first
season. Furthermore, one of those rookie teams was the actual
Rookie Team
,
who filled in for a draft dropout at the last possible minute and had almost no
prep time. That 100% gives the manager a pass. But the third team down here is
a league organizer, a former champion, and is now the #1 seed in the fight for
the
Emin for Worst Draft Pick
and the
Emin for Worst Team Management.
Maybe next season he should try borrowing his fiancé’s draft night pick
list since she’s clearly the smarter manager.
The
Emin Chasers
are:
Different Creatures, Same
Habits
God’s Hands
Rookie Team
The Basement
Someone has to lose—that’s just how this game works. Since
these are both rookie managers and this is the league’s first season with 40 teams,
one of these two teams is about to hold the FantasySpeedSkating.com record for
worst average result. Who do you have your money on?
There is one super bright spot for the teams down here
– there’s literally no way but up! We hand out a
Choir Award for Most
Improved
every single season. The following two teams are officially the front-runners to win this award next season:
I am speed
OG Pearman
That’s it for the final edition of the
2023-2024
Crappy Tire Power Rankings
. If you disagree with any of them, let me
know in the comments! I’ll try to get one last update out either this weekend
or next week for World Sprint and Allround Championships, as long as the ISU
actually releases an entry list this time.
Until then,
Dad