Hello Managers,
Though it’s only been one World Cup since the last Power
Rankings update, it’s been a full six weeks and lots of behind the scenes
action has taken place. We now have a better idea of where each skater (and
therefore each fantasy team) stands following the slew of national trial events that
took place over the holiday break, and we also have an entry list giving us a
fairly accurate idea of who will be racing at World Cup 6. All in all, we have
a pretty good idea of who will be racing what for the remainder of the season
and I think that warrants an update to the
Crappy Tire Power Rankings
.
I’ll start off with a quick look at some
Major
Developments
that are important for the league. These range from absent
skaters to World Sprints participation to sensual dating gossip. These
developments will roughly explain the
Crappy Tire Power Rankings
, which
will be presented right after. Finally, I’ll finish up with the usual
Injury
and Free Agent Trackers
.
Major Developments
Gao is Gone
– This undependable Chinese sprinter ended his season early. He thanked his
sponsors and supports, but failed to thank any of the managers who put their
faith in him and were subsequently let down. What a jerk.
Stolz is Fucking Good at Speed Skating
–
Congrats to all the managers who won the draft lottery and got to pick Stolz
first overall in their pool. His performance in Salt Lake City was worth 126
points. The previous record for most points at a World Cup? 75 points at WC6
last season, also set by Stolz. To my knowledge, only four other skaters have
cracked 70 points at a World Cup: Blondin, Goetz, Jackson, and Kulizhnikov.
Stolz Might Be Better Than Your Whole Team
–
To put his new points record in perspective, he earned more points than about a
third of the league’s teams this past weekend. As we’ll see in a bit, teams
with Stolz are surging through the Power Rankings.
Washed Up Old Dutchmen
– Krol, Verbij, Otterspeer, and N’tab all failed to qualify spots at World
Singles. New, young sprinters are really shaking things up on the Dutch
National Team and there just isn’t room for these losers anymore. That being
said, two World Sprint spots are still available, so expect this group to be
gunning for this event (though we can also immediately discount N’tab from
being competitive for one of those two spots).
Unwashed Young Dutchmen
– Not all Dutchmen are old and washed. Tim Prins and Jenning de Boo have shown
that they are the real deal, posting consecutive impressive results at Dutch Trials,
Europeans, and now World Cup 5. Now all these two jokers have to figure out is
how to use a shower. Yeesh.
Mia and Daniele, Sitting in a Tree
– Now that Mia Manganello has freed herself from the shackles of the Kilburg
name by means of a messy divorce, she’s free to publicly mack on her favourite
young Italian without being shamed by pro-monogamists. The current house odds
suggest she’ll be Mia Manganello-Di Stefano by the end of 2026.
The Best of NL to Skip WC6
– Pretty much every year the best Dutch skaters skip the last World Cup before
World Singles. This year the list includes Leerdam, Rijpma-de Jong, Roest, and
Nuis. Notably non-absent are Schouten, Beune, and Groenewoud.
Other Good Skaters Following in NL
Footsteps
– There is a decently long list of non-Dutch skaters
that will also be missing from WC6, including some big names such as Herzog,
Swings, Goetz, Kongshaug, and Qishi.
Morozova in Shambles
–
Kazakhstan may be down a couple quota spots at Worlds since Morozova was sick
during WC5 and didn’t skate, thus failing to earn any time-based quota spots. (Prior
to posting this, I was accidentally fact checked by Mom. Turns out Morozova
currently has a 1000m time spot from her incredible race in Stavanger of all
places. Go figure. The only other time spots from outside SLC (excluding 5k/10k) are
Qishi in the 1000m from Obihiro and Mommy Miho’s 3000m in Beijing.)
Dutch Sprint Spots –
Things
move quick in the world of fantasy speed skating. If you have already read the
“Council of the Dads” post then make sure to start forgetting half of what you read
because the predictions for who will make World Sprints are already outdated.
Stock in veteran skaters is going down while Prins stock is even higher than
before and Wennermars is starting to look like a very respectable bet.
Girls go to World Sprints too
–
I guess the Dutch women’s team is also not as set in stone as some people may
expect. Kok is almost guaranteed the second spot, but the third spot seems to
be slowly slipping from Fledderus’s grasp and falling into Grevelt’s hands.
Japanese Sprint Spots
–
Only Shinhama, Kojima, and Rio Yamada were named to the sprint team, though it
looks like Kako Yamane may have earned Japan an additional women’s sprint spot
by racing the second 1000m in Miho’s place in Salt Lake City. If so, that spot
would likely go to Inagawa. If the men manage to earn a third spot at WC6, it
would fall to Nonomura.
Men’s 5000m Record Within Sight
–
Three guys started their 5000m races at WC5 on a 27 second lap. That’s pretty
fucked, since one only has to race around a mid 28 to break the current world
record. I’m expecting at least Roest, Ghiotto, and possibly Ted to gun for a
sub-6 race in Calgary. If one of them gets it, they’ll earn their team 125
points in a single race. Only 20 skaters have earned over 125 points so far
this season, so that is a hell of a lot of points.
Crappy Tire Power Rankings
No bullshit this week, no long post breaking down everyone’s
teams. All I got for you this week is a plain and simple rankings update. I was
even too lazy to calculate and update each team's change from the last rankings (sorry).
Top Cheddar
1. Pederfiles Won: the Bittner story of
how Thomas Herzog Stolz his child bride
2. Goetz, Glory, Han
3. Czech out my Sverre-y long and Rio hard
(Enge)Bråt-wurst
4. Heir Jordan
5. Joy to the World
6. From Kazakhstan with Love
7. Let’s Go Girls
8.
Woj Yourself
The Chase
9. Is that a Beune in your team or are you
just happy to see me?
10. Mr. Andy’s Handy-Dandy up the Ante
Speed Skating Squad, brought to you by God
11. Graemer Fishsticks 6: Why was 6 afraid
of 7? Because 7 Ate Fishsticks
12. Bloemen until you Get to the Top
13. Glasgow Fast Turn Left
14. Jutta Leerdam and the Half-Blood Prins
15. The Momagers
16. Got Herzoggin’ on my Ting till I Werf
17. That's So Raven's Cravings 2: Bot
Baxton Caught Waxin' Raven’s Unshaven Contraption
The Pack
18. Had to look up half my team and can’t
spell the other half #winningcombo
19. Even Steven’s Semen Eating Emins 2:
Eager Emin Receives Even Steven’s Peen Excretion
20. Kim I Seok Kok?
21. Jenning de B-group
22. The Lolly-mom Gang
23. Rob’s Discount Blowjob: Longer,
Limper, and more Tinter
24. COWS Pei ft. Connor Cowe, Bart
Moolwerf, and Dairyman Zurek
25. 12pm public skaters
26. Hoping for a Miracle
Playing to Lose
27. DB’s Drunk Drivers
28. Grand Theft Sato V
29. Valerie, please call me back (your RBC
mentee)
30. I am a Belieber
31. Paul Blart: Mall Llop
32. Hoping for a Miracle
33. Team swinging Jake paulers
34. God’s Hands
35. David, bosa’d my Huizinaga
Emin Chasers
36. Gone Fishing For My Kok
37. Different Creatures, Same Habits
38. OG Pearman
39. Rookie Team
Rock Bottom
40. I am speed
Injury Tracker
Jutta Leerdam
–
Her ankle has allegedly been causing her problems all year. Or maybe all that
jetting back and forth between Holland and America to see her pookie bear Jake
Paul has negatively impacted her training and performance. Jury is still out on
which is more true.
Sanne In ‘t Hoff
–
A release came out saying that she has been dealing with a small leg fracture.
She’s been pumping out some pretty impressive results, so she’s obviously a
friggin machine. Looks like the healing is coming along nicely. Since she only
has one weekend of racing left, I’ll be taking her off the injury tracker after
this.
Isabelle Weidemann
–
Her fall performance was a bit iffy and largely overshadowed by her early exit
from the Fall World Cups. She was back in action at WC5 and absolutely shredded
a 3000m (albeit in B Group with the assistance of a quartet). It seems like
whatever ill was plaguing her has largely been dealt with and she’ll be removed
from the tracker.
Kjeld Nuis
–
Buddy got taken out by a lifeless, immobile puck after his second 1000m race at
WC5 and made such a scene of it that I felt inclined to put him on the Injury
Tracker. No, this huge baby is not actually injured. Yes, he will be missing
WC6 as a precaution. No, this event hasn’t caused us to think any less of him
since our expectations were already rock bottom.
Ragne Wiklund
–
After an underwhelming 3000m race and a scratch in the 1500m, Norway’s
sweetheart had us all worried that something bad was happening. Possibly a case
of the
washed ups
or maybe even some early onset
old.
Turns out
she’s just sick, with expectations to be back in action and ready to go by this
coming weekend.
Joy Beune
–
Ladies and gentlemen, put it in the record books. Joy has officially finished a
team pursuit race without getting DQ’d! Once again, the team didn’t win the
gold despite having the fastest time thanks to their relegation to B Group
following Joy’s previous DQ-worthy shenanigans. Still, it looks like things are
trending in the right direction for Joy, though her diagnosis of “
a bit
slow”
is sticking around for now.
Morozova
–
Is she dead? I hope not. But entirely skipping the fastest World Cup of the
season is a pretty big deal, so it’s hard to say.
Qishi Li
–
There is definitely an even stronger case to suggest that Qishi Li is dead.
After setting a blistering points pace at WC1 and 2, she has completely faded
away. I actually have no idea if she is actually injured, but something weird
is definitely going on here.
The Canadian Men’s TP
–
Their two fall World Cup team pursuit performances left a lot to be desired
(losing to Belgium and France? Jesus Fucking Christ), though things are
starting to turn around. Seriously challenging the Americans on home ice
head-to-head at 4 Continents and skating half second off the Canadian record?
Looks like the boys are back in form.
Free Agent Tracker
Taiyo Nonomura –
He’s
been scooped up by a few more managers so this Japanese skater is only
available in one more pool. He’ll be competing in the 1000m at World Singles.
Marcel Bosker
–
As the season slowly winds down, it’s time to start thinking about filling your
roster with firepower at World Allrounds and/or Sprints. Bosker may just be the
highest potential men’s allround skater who is still available on the free
agent market. He’ll also be racing one, maybe two, events at World Singles.
Also, Greg has him on his roster, so greatness is essentially guaranteed.
Sverre Lunde Pedersen
–
As I typed up the previous blurb for Bosker, I immediately realized that I disrespected
Sverre pretty hard. He, too, is a strong allround skater. Unlikely Bosker, he
also appears to be qualified for the even already. And, like Bosker, he’ll also
be racing in the 5000m at World Singles, so you’ll be able to grab some points
before Allrounds too. He’s also significantly cuter. Dayum. Could you imagine picking
up Bosker over this guy?
Chung Jae-Won
–
Another win for the speedy Korean in the mass start, and yet people aren’t
falling over each other to scoop him up. He has the same number of points as
Hoolwerf, though Hoolwerf isn’t a free agent. The only difference? Cody doesn’t
have Chung, so half the league doesn’t even know he exists.
Binyu Yang
–
She’s young, she’s fast, and I have no idea how many points she’s earned since
no one drafted her. But she’s really started shredding this past week, posting
a top-6 finish in the 3000m and also finishing with a respectable 1500m time.
If Mei Han gives Yang her 5000m spot at World Singles or Yang also goes to World
Allrounds, there could be some serious points up for grabs here.
Kaitlyn McGregor –
A
Group in the 1000m, 1500m, 3000m, and Mass Start? Top 15 finishes in multiple
distances? I honestly used to put this Swiss skater on the Free Agent Tracker
as a meme, but she has actually developed into quite a respectable skater. She
wouldn’t be my first choice on this list, but it’s no longer crazy to have her
listed. Tas on the other hand…
Sandrine Tas
–
Like McGregor, Tas has been posting some respectable times. Nothing too
impressive though, so I highly recommend leaving this undesirable free agent
off your team.
Ryota Kojima
–
His results haven’t been super impressive so far, but keep in mind he’s missed
some races and is coming off a big crash in Salt Lake City that sent him back
to B Group for a bit. This guy has potential though, and if you’re looking to
load up on talent after the last World Cup then he might be your guy.
Livio Wenger –
His
consistency at earning points this season has been super impressive. If you
need some depth to fill out your roster and maybe also a few extra points for
World Cup Classification at the end of the World Cups, this could be a solid
addition to your team.
Michele Malfatti
–
With another solid race at WC5, it’s hardly a surprise anymore that he’s been
picked up in most pools. Remember that he’ll skate an extra distance at World
Singles, so still lots of points to grab with this one.
Isabel Grevelt
–
Probably a bit early to put her on here, but she’s been skating well lately. If
she makes World Sprints, she’ll likely be worth picking up. We won’t know that
for a few more weeks. Crazy enough though, she’s still available in every pool.
Graeme Fish
–
He’s currently ranked 105
th
and has only a single point to his name.
That places him below Beau Snellink and Michelle de Jong, neither of whom even
really qualified for World Cups. I don’t usually put B Group Shitters on the
Free Agent Tracker, but his races over the past two weekends were some of his
best in years so maybe Worlds 2024 will be a repeat of his incredible Worlds
2020 run? Maybe the one hit wonder kid is destined for a second hit?
That’s all I’ve got for today. World Cup racing
resumed this Friday, so
the deadline to submit a roster change is Thursday
February 1 at 11:59 Mountain Time
(which, since I’ve been slow to post
this, is tonight!). Happy World Cup watching!
Best,
Dad