Hello speed skating enthusiasts!
After a long break from the World Cup circuit, high-quality
international racing resumes tomorrow with World Cup 5. It’s been a slow few
weeks for fantasy speed skating, but it’s now time for us to enter the final
six weeks of the season. After the leisurely pace of the fall World Cups and
the extended holiday break, these final few weeks will feel like a real sprint.
Two more World Cups, the end of season World Cup Classification points, World
Singles, and World Sprints/Allrounds account for almost three-quarters of the
season’s points.
With so much on the line over the next few weekends, I
felt that my own expertise may not be enough to satisfy your inquiring minds. Now,
don’t get this confused with me admitting that other people’s opinions and
thoughts carry the same weight as my own. I have little doubt that my thoughts,
opinions, and analysis are finer than anyone else’s when it comes to fantasy speed
skating. Nonetheless, I thought that our readership would still like to hear
other “expert” opinions. I’m sure it can get tiresome hearing mostly from me on
this column (and I can’t even begin to imagine the agony of trying to feel
smarter after reading a Stepdad’s column).
We’ll begin today with a
Roundtable Discussion with
the Council of Dad
. That’s also what we’ll be ending today with since I didn’t
write anything else. There is a chance that I’ll have updates to the Injury
Tracker, Free Agent Trackers, and the Crappy Tire Power Rankings by the end of
today, but don’t get your hopes up.
-------------------------------
The Council of the Dads: A Roundtable
Discussion
Dad – Hello speed skating enthusiasts! For
those of you joining us live in person or on the radio, I’m here with Stepdad, Your Biological
Father, and Stepson to discuss all things fantasy speed skating. Good evening Dads,
thanks for joining me today.
Your Biological Father – Pleasure to be
here, Dad.
Stepson – Honoured to be invited. Just to
be clear, I’m not a dad yet.
Stepdad – Dad, you said there would be
free drinks?
Dad – Ah, yes, right there behind you in
that minifridge. Should be full of Keystone Light. (Audible clicking sound of a
can being cracked open). Ok great, looks like you’re settling in just fine.
Well, lads, I’ll just jump right into it. I’ve got a series of questions I’ll
be asking the group, some that I wrote, some from our producers, and then we’ll
also be accepting a couple of questions from the live audience. We’ll start off
with some true fantasy related questions and then slowly drift towards more
generic speed skating questions. Ready? Ok. First up, which three teams are going
to be on the league podium at the end of the season?
Stepdad – Paul is currently winning, so
that one feels like a no-brainer. Charlotte is also sitting near the top, so I’ll
pick her too. And then, of course, my team.
Your Biological Father – There is little
doubt that Anna will be winning this season. Paul is too far ahead to fall back
further than 3
rd
. And then, uh, hate to admit it but Dad’s team is
also looking really strong.
Stepson – I guess we all agree that Paul
will finish on the podium. Your Biological Father, your team is also looking
pretty hot right now, just like you. And finally, my own team will land on the
podium because it’s a really good team.
Dad – For the record, my guesses are Paul,
Dad, and Anna. Thank you Your Biological Father for being the only one of us
not to pick their own team, shows a lot of character admitting your team really
isn’t that good. Next question, which three teams currently in the top 10 will
fall out of the money by the end of the season? Let’s start with Your
Biological Father.
Your Biological Father – Daniel, Cooper, Anders.
Couldn’t be more obvious.
Stepson – Uhhmmmm (checks Your Biological
Father’s notes)… I’m gonna have to say Daniel, Cooper and Anders.
Stepdad – Daniel and Anders are the easy
ones, but in the interest of mixing things up I’ll choose Ryan as my third
team.
Dad – Cooper I can totally agree with, though this will still be a huge redemption year from his original
Even Steven's Semen Eating Emins
run to deadlast the last time he played. Ryan is also likely to fall out of the top 10, and honestly Your Biological Father is going to tumble down too
. At least those
teams are still good teams though. Moving on to bad teams, who is gonna get
dead last?
Your Biological Father – Greg
Stepdad – Greg
Stepson – I think y’all are forgetting how
bad Eric+Emil’s team is. They picked up two dusty Germans and then just this
week found out Gao is out for the rest of the season. Their team is looking
more and more like a loser every day.
Dad – I gotta agree with Stepson here.
Eric+Emil’s team is god awful. Oh, and looks like we’ve got our first audience
question. This one comes from Latt Maxton. I'll read it out: “I’m really horny for Hein
Otterspeer but I think I may have overestimated him this season. I’m getting
worried he won’t pay off. Do you think he’ll go to World Sprints this year?”
Thanks Latt, great question. Let’s expand that a bit. Jenning de Boo is
pre-qualified for World Sprints. Which other two Dutch men will make the team? Is Hein one of them?
Stepdad – Hein is looking pretty safe
right now. I’d say Verbij, another veteran, is likely to go as well.
Your Biological Father – I don’t know if I
would say Hein is safe, but he might be the best bet in a very competitive field.
Tim Prins is another that I think has a better chance than most.
Stepson – Hmmmm. Tough Q, gimme a sec
(checks Your Biological Father’s notes again). I definitely think it’s going to be
Hein and Prins. Easy choice.
Dad – Solid guesses. If I had to choose, I’d
go with Hein and Verbij. With them not going to World Singles, maybe that extra training time will set these two veterans up for a big Dutch sprints performance the following weekend. No guess really feels that safe though. While we’re on this
theme, which three Norwegian men will go to Allrounds?
Stepdad – (whips out a calculator) Sverre is
the obvious one, Hallgeir has also really impressed me. A third though? Hmmm,
maybe Allan?
Your Biological Father – Christ those
guesses could hardly be worse. Sander is the no-brainer, and I guess Sverre is also likely
locked in. Peder would be the next most likely by a pretty wide margin.
Stepson – I agree with Your Biological
Father, Sander, Sverre, and Peder are my three picks.
Dad – Sander is definitely in, as is Sverre. I'm actually going to go with Hallgeir on this one, despite acknowledging that he can hardly breath and doing multiple races in a day is uncommon for him. Next, I got a couple of easy
ones coming up. Who wins Allrounds this year?
Your Biological Father – Stolz and Groenewoud.
Stepdad – Stolz and Groenewoud.
Stepson – Stolz and Groenewoud.
Dad – Stolz and Groenewoud is looking
pretty unanimous and I won’t be a contrarian on this one. Next, will Ning go to
World Sprints?
Your Biological Father – No.
Stepdad – No.
Stepson – No.
Dad – Ok, another one we all agree on. Hey,
looks like we’ve got another question from the audience. If you could stand up
and grab that mic there, yes, thank you, go ahead.
Hordan Jarrington – Hey Dads, my name is Hordan Jarrington. I was super
impressed with the Norwegian team pursuit World Record on a sea level oval just
a few weeks ago. With all the altitude racing coming up this season, will we
see some more World Records? Thanks.
Dad – Thanks for the question Hordan. That
question feels a bit easy, so I’ll ask the Dads: how many more World Records
this season and in which distances? Let’s not count the team sprint since those records aren't real.
Stepson – Women’s 1000m and men’s team pursuit
should fall, so I’ll guess two.
Stepdad – Women’s 1000m is definitely the
closest. The American men didn’t impress me enough at 4 Continents so I think
the men's TP is safe for now. I guess just the one record will break then.
Your Biological Father – I gotta agree
with the women’s 1000m breaking. If I had to choose a second, I would probably
say the men’s 500m. But I’m going to guess just one breaks.
Dad – Interesting takes. Women’s 1000m is
going to be broken, I’ve been saying that for months now. Like Hordan, I was
super impressed with the Norwegian men’s TP. I gotta think they’ll do it again
this season on faster ice. So those two are my guesses, same as Stepson I
guess. Moving on, I have a question about my beloved Sablikova. She’s won a
medal every single year at either World Singles or the Olympics since 2007. The last time she missed a podium was
2006, when she was still a junior and yet only missed the Olympic 5000m podium
by 0.77 seconds, finishing just behind the legendary Cindy Klassen. In fact,
Sablikova missed out on Olympic gold that year by less than two and a half
seconds, which might be even more impressive. Anyways, winning streak has
lasted 17 years. It has to end at some point – will that be this year?
Stepdad – I had no idea she was that good,
so I guess I’ll say no.
Your Biological Father – She’s too clutch.
She’ll definitely miss the 3000m but will make it in the 5000m. If Groenewoud
was in the 5000m I’d say differently, but with Joy there I think a spot opens
up for Sablikova.
Stepson – Your Biological Father is right,
she’ll do it in the 5000m.
Dad – I hope you’re all right. It’s an incredible
streak and I would love to see it keep going. Which skater will earn the most
points this season?
Your Biological Father – It’s Kimi.
Stepson – It’s Stolz.
Stepdad – Two great options, but I’m
leaning towards Kimi too. Mostly just because Your Biological Father is usually
right.
Dad – Great guess, but the best guess is
actually Mommy Miho. Can’t way for her to win another season’s skater rankings.
Let’s rank some not-so-good skaters now. Top five Canadian skaters, in order.
Obviously ranked based on end of season points.
Your Biological Father – Ivanie, Larry,
Val, Ted… Connor?
Stepdad – Ivanie, Larry, Val, Izzy, Ted.
Stepson – Oof, right picks but wrong order.
Ivanie, Larry, Val, Ted, Izzy is the most likely.
Dad – Looks like y’all agree on those top
three, the rest of the team really does feel like a lot of wildcards though. Let’s
shift gears a bit now, I want to talk about Jenning to Boo for a bit. This kid
came out of nowhere this season and now he’s threatening to actually be good at
skating. Jenning was a clear favourite as a free agent after his winter Dutch
trials results, quickly getting scooped up in every pool. The only other skater
to leave free agency this fast was Masaya Yamada, who seriously disappointed his
teams. How much better will de Boo be?
Stepson – Significantly better.
Stepdad – Jenning de Who?
Your Biological Father – He’s going to
make us doubt him a bit at World Singles but then absolutely spank at World Sprints.
Dad – Let’s put some numbers on this. What
will Jenning place at World Singles in the 500m and 1000m?
Stepson – 9
th
and 4
th
.
Your Biological Father – 7
th
and 5
th
.
Stepdad – I’d wager 8
th
for
both.
Dad – I’d be very surprised if his 500m
was better than his 1000m, so I’ll say 10
th
and 4
th
. Looks
like we just had an audience member call in with a question. I’ll read it out
for you. This one comes from Deter Park Monaldson. He asks: “By mentioning
Masaya Yamada, you have reopened a wealth of pain. My PTSD from foolishly
picking him up after World Cup 1 will be something I have to live with forever.
Is there any sign of hope though? Is Yamada really that bad?” Thanks for the question
Deter. Yamada currently has 57 points, 50 of which he earned at World Cup
1. How many points will he end the season with?
Stepdad – 57.
Stepson – He’s bad, but not worthless. I’ll
say 70.
Your Biological Father – He did get a spot
at Worlds, so maybe 78?
Dad – I think that answers your question,
Deter. He ain’t completely worthless, but he’s damn close. I’m curious how y’all
think he stacks up against the other Yamadas. Rio has 41, Kazuya is on 58, and
we just said Masaya had 57. Who ends the season with the most?
Stepson – Kazuya.
Stepdad – Masaya.
Your Biological Father – These guys are
idiots. It’s Rio.
Dad – I agree with your Biological Father
on both accounts. These guys really are idiots, and Rio will make up whatever
ground is left at World Sprints with ease. Let’s try another comparison: Kim
Min-Sun or every other Kim?
Your Biological Father – I’ll go with the
other Kims.
Stepson – Hmm, no it’s KMS.
Stepdad – Kimi Goetz?
Dad – No, Stepdad, just no. That answer is disqualified, not that this is a competition or anything (snickers to himself). Time for us to
start looking a bit toward next season and beyond. Who is the biggest dud that
you expect to be worth picking next season?
Your Biological Father – Herzog seems like
a strong candidate.
Stepdad – Masaya Yamada, but only at World
Cup 1.
Stepson – Krol. He’s due for a bounceback,
guy has so much potential.
Your Biological Father – Actually wait, I’m
changing my answer. It’s Connor and Tony. Definitely those two.
Dad – Sounds like you all have a lot of belief
in washed up skaters. Let’s flip that question around though: Who is the
biggest stud this season that will be a bust next year?
Stepdad – Sablikova. The old will hit her
all at once.
Stepson – Qishi Li?
Your Biological Father – Kjeld.
(gasps from the audience, one elderly woman
faints)
Dad – What a truly hot take from a hot dad.
Let’s keep this forward outlook going though. What is the next circuit event
that will feature Russian skaters? I’ve heard other sports organizations are
letting them back in as early as this summer. I’ll put my finger on the scale and go first for this one by saying they’ll be back for World Cup 1 of next
season (2024).
Stepson – I totally agree. World Cup 1,
2024.
Your Biological Father – Not quite that
early, but it’s coming. WC1, 2025.
Stepdad – I mean morally they won’t be let
back in until the war in Ukraine is over. I guess... I’ll guess WC1 2026?
Dad – You think too highly of the ISU. I
imagine you’ll recall some young oval skaters getting kicked out of the Olympic
Oval a few years back for protesting the ISU’s decision to let doping Russians
compete at the World Cups after receiving a lifetime Olympic ban from the
IOC.
(Stepdad looks down awkwardly, possibly in
shame or embarrassment)
(The other Dads look at Stepdad with pride)
Dad – Ok, I’ve only got a few questions
left. Before we get to those though, we’ve got one final audience questions.
Yes, you there, grab the mic…. Yes please flick it on. The little switch on the
side. Ok, there you go, go ahead.
Satsuya Thinhama – Hey, who win in fight? Me?
uh, wait, no! Tatsuya Shinhama!! Or Viktor Mushtakov, that bastard.
Dad – Thanks for the, uh, interesting
question. Dads? What do you think?
Your Biological Father – Mushtakov.
Stepdad – But Shinhama is scrappy as fuck?
Stepson – Mhm, yeah, it has to be
Shinhama.
Mike Ireland – (staring across the room, straight
at Satsuya who is still standing by his seat holding the mic). Damn, I didn’t know
they made them that big.
Dad – Well, with a question that meaningless,
I guess it’s time we wrap up this discussion with a few other relatively
meaningless questions. Of all the skaters currently on a roster, who will give
birth next?
Stepdad – Obviously Bowe! Oh, wait, hmmm…
maybe Maddi?
Your Biological Father – Either Ivanie or Antoinette.
Stepson – Morozova. (starts salivating)
Dad – Ok, a nice mix of names. I
definitely expected more of you to say Bowe. Best looking female skater on the
Polish National Team?
Stepdad – The Woj because she’s big.
Stepson – Czyszczon.
Your Biological Father – Czerwonka.
Dad – Ok, ya’ll better be trolling me.
There were three acceptable names and you somehow said none of them? The
correct answers were Kaja, Bosiek, and Iga. I want your hottest and coldest
takes before I let ya go. Let’s start with the hottest. I’ll go first: Kojima 3
rd
at World Sprints.
Stepdad – Me, I’m the hottest. (laughs nervously,
but no one in the audience is laughing). Ok wait, Graeme Fish married by the
end of 2024.
Stepson – Daniel Hall junior national
records in the 5000m and 10k GUARANTEED.
Your Biological Father – Dutch sweep at
World Sprints.
Dad – Perfect, and finally your coldest
take?
Your Biological Father – The only thing
bigger than Rumy’s cock is Joey’s ego.
Stepdad – Nico Ihle will continue to be
big and German.
Stepson – Jonah Hurtubise’s fantasy win
was a fluke.
Dad – Oh, great point Stepson. Thanks for
finally bringing a bit of value to this conversation, I was starting to think
your commentary and opinions was worthless. I got one quick follow-up question
now. Which win was more of a fluke: Ryan or Jonah?
Stepson – Like I just said, it’s Jonah.
Stepdad – I actually think it’s Ryan. I don’t
think he had ever watched speed skating before.
Your Biological Father – No, it’s Jonah because
Ryan at least based his picks off of what other managers were doing, specifically
managers that knew what they were doing. Jonah did not.
Dad – Looks like the jury is still out on
which was flukier. Well, Dads, this was a pleasure. Any final comments?
Stepdad – I’m looking forward to Maddi’s
baby shower.
Your Biological Father – Shoutout to the
teams that picked Jordan Stolz. Thanks for picking really bad teams and pulling
him out of contention. Wait, except for Jake and Dwight… fuck.
Stepson – This gathering of the Dads solidifies
the fact that Stepdad is completely unqualified to be publishing fantasy skating
content on a world renowned platform.
Dad – We’ll leave that there. Thanks boys!
[end of transcript]
-------------------------------
So there you have it. The Council of Dads has spoken.
I hope you learned a thing or two, and maybe you were even lucky enough to have
one of your questions answered live by our fantastic panel of experts.
Fantasy speed skating resumes tomorrow, which means
the
deadline to update your roster is tonight at 11:59PM Calgary time.
This
weekend features 2x 1000m events, so plan your team accordingly. Happy World
Cup watching!
Cheers,
Dad